Friday, 27 December 2013

Slippers are preferable to bears.

Last night, Kittencat came into my bed at something o'clock in the morning. I ducked to the loo briefly, and gave her a bear to cuddle while I was gone. She was content and cuddling the bear, and when I came back, she said, "You can have your slipper back now". On learning it was a bear, and not in fact a slipper, Kittencat became distraught, and I got quite a stern telling off about the whole affair. Kittencat is quite strict about bears.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

"It's okay" "It's not! Don't say that!"

Kittencat has been having a lovely Christmas, albeit an exhausting one. Christmas is a time that's as hard on children as it is fun for them, it's so exciting, and there is so much going on. Somehow they are expected to keep their heads, and be little paragons of virtue, and not complain when they are dragged from shop to shop, mealtimes and bedtimes forgotten in the parental rush of buying everything, ready for the apocalypse that is Christmas day, the terrifying prospect that the shops are shut for one whole day.

It's not really how we roll here at Cat Lady Towers, minimal shopping has been done, little at a time, within the bounds of our usual routines of meal times and bedtimes and all of that. Nonetheless, some disruption occurs, family visits inevitably result in altered ways of being, differing mealtimes, late nights. Kittencat seems to be a little like her mother, in that additional excitement or stress takes its toll on her immune system and consequently over the last few days she's been tearful, running a temperature, clingy as hell and wanting to sleep well over 14 hours a night.

She's also extremely negative. I swear I got the paternity of my daughter wrong, and somehow inadvertently spawned a child with Marvin the Paranoid Android. Earlier today she sat, crying, on my knee. I told her "It's okay" to which she replied "It's not! Don't say that! It's not okay!" 
At another point in the day, I told her she was beautiful, prompting her to burst into tears and respond "Don't say that! I'm not! No one is!" I can't stress enough that this is moderately disconcerting, but indicative of her current state of exhaustion and below satisfactory health - ordinarily my modest little Kittencat would respond to being told she was beautiful by saying "Yes. I am."

Christmas is stressful for three year olds.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Seasons beginning with C

Car insurance season falls shortly after Christmas! Oh no! There are exciting things to do in January, and they are most unlikely to occur. Oh no!

Probably, this is good. Probably. I have films to watch, sewing to sew, knitting to knit, course work in at the start of February... Yep. It all balances. The universe has it's plan, and it's all good.

Friday, 13 December 2013

It's Friday night! Lets...

...put on a dressing gown, watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., knit, sleep.

Actually, this doesn't sound too far short of my plan for the entire weekend.

I need so much coffee

So much coffee right now. There isn't actually enough coffee in the world to satiate this need.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

So now, following that massive overshare, dear diary...

I am going to sew tinsel onto my Kittencat's star costume. Tomorrow, Kittencat is going to be a STAR. At nursery they are doing some kind of nativity thing called Whoopsadaisy Angel, and she's so excited, she's been singing the songs for weeks, and telling us about her performance.

I love this child so much.

Sometimes a mental health incident can be a good thing

During October, and just about into November my ADD was going off the chart, and impacting my social behaviour. I attempted to apologise to anyone and everyone I felt may have been affected by it. So far as I'm aware, largely everyone was fine. One person however, was not. They started acting as though I wasn't there at all, and, when I attempted to find out what was going on, ignored all methods of communication. Now for someone prone to anxiety based depression, and getting over an ADD incident, this is cruel treatment, because it adds a lot of anxiety to their life. Not knowing if you've done something, or what it is, is a huge headfuck.

I eventually found out what I'd done. Apparently some people overheard part of a conversation I was having, judged me based on overheard part ramblings without context and found me wanting. Fair enough, I could have been more considerate of my surroundings, but anyone who has known me that long could really have checked with me whether what had been reported was what had been said, rather than judging me on third hand information representing out of character attitudes and behaviour. The second, again, I get. In perceiving an atmosphere, and being unaware of the former transgression but very aware of a transgression my friend made in October, I tried to talk about it, drunkenly, like a bull in a china shop. Not really cool. And I called out a couple of ridiculous incidents that I really ought to have just ignored. But, the ADD headmess does not allow you to regulate or always be aware of your behaviour in the way you'd like.

Not everyone can cope with me on an ADD spiral, and that, I completely understand. But when in attempting to apologise,  you're told you're overthinking matters, you tend to think that everything is cool. After all, when things aren't, people tell you, right? And all that said, I picked up my issues quickly, I dealt with them, and went to the doctors and on failing to get any help other than a shrug and a "you could always go private", I implemented some strategies, managed my behaviour, and became a normal(ish) person again. (That aside, I do think that when someone ignores you entirely every time you see them for a month, without telling you why, and walks past you 4 times in quick succession at a gig blanking you completely, to the point where they will avoid speaking to friends if you're there, personally I feel this does entitle you to call their behaviour cuntish... Again, this is something that retrospectively I really ought to have just ignored.)

Incidentally, I feel I should mention that generally I manage the more socially awkward elements of this quite well, mostly. The last time I had a major ADD incident prior to this was in 2007-8, after a boy I worked with exposed himself, and I had a major anxiety reaction to this, heightened by the fact that, due to the structure and make up of the company, I was unable to make a formal complaint. When I made unofficial mention of it to the Director in charge of placements, he laughed, though in fairness he did also move the offending article of colleague to a different project and site. But the lack of being able to admit what happened meant that for a long time I was unable to really deal with it also. I failed to function well at work because I couldn't get the incident out of my head, outside of work I spent a horrific amount of time drunk to oblivion. Chances are people who knew me around then will remember a certain amount of the self destruct about my behaviour. Or at least a certain amount of idiocy.

But I told you I'd found out what I'd done. Aside from these incidents, there was a vitriolic assassination of my character, my mannerisms and and general demeanour. There was comment that going to speak to the people you know at gigs is not okay, that being giddy and having fun and asking people you know if they want to come dance is not okay, that being in the same venue and occasionally finding yourself near someone else amounts to following them around. Behaviour, conceded to be how I am with everyone, was nonetheless taken personally and found to be embarrassing and offensive. And this is why sometimes having a mental health incident is a good thing. I know lovely people. Kind, compassionate, warm and understanding people. People who don't judge out of hand, who will ask you your side. People open and honest enough that if they ever find you going awry, they let you know. I am lucky in my friends. Some people are not meant to be my friend. And that's okay. I don't like everyone, I don't expect everyone to like me. But it is good to know where you stand. My world is peaceful again, and all is well.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Where did November go?

My gosh, time is going quickly these days. So what happened to November? In brief...

Friday 1st November, I finally saw Warm Widow play, though I'm not entirely sure that the highlight of this wasn't steadily getting drunker whilst watching Martin engaging in some last minute song writing to be performed immediately after... No, they were amazing, as I knew they would be. I like it immensely when people you like have bands you love, mostly because I've never enjoyed obligation gigs. Not that there would be any obligation here, but it's be able to say honestly that you're there strictly for the music regardless of any friendships/acquaintance or whatever. That night was in some ways a great night, in others not so much, I talked to lots of people, but I was on self destruct that night, and at best I spoke inappropriately to people about topics that don't really matter, and at worst, I behaved in ways that made me not like myself very much - I've not been there for a long time, and thankfully I noticed it quickly, because it's not a way I like to be.

6th November was Enablers at Kraak, with Locean, Monster Island and Michael O'Neill supporting. Slightly unusually perhaps, Michael O'Neill was supporting after Enablers, but regardless of any other logistical reasons, and despite how good Enablers are, nothing could have followed his set - it was fucking awesome. He's listed on the line up for the next Gesamtkunstwerk, which sadly I can't go to, but if you can you should. It's going to be incredible.

Friday 8th was Gesamtkunstwerk, and it was a great night. I'm getting to know quite a lot of folks there, and lots of musical types were out in force; Danny Saul, Michael from Wode, Thomas Long from Easter, Michael O'Neill, Neil from Gnod/2 Koi Karp and others - all, as ever, lovely to chat to. Dancing with Lee and Amy and a bunch of folks, it's an amazing night regardless of the line up, but the line up was exceptional too - Shaped Noise, Gnod and Machine Woman. Fucking A.

Carcass at the Academy (13th November) was a bit of a disappointment - they were brilliant, but the sound system was arse. Still, having never seen them, I'm glad I did, still one hell of a show. Following that was Glenn Jones at Islington Mill on Friday 15th, put on by Buried Bones. That was really something special, a truly beautiful evening.

Wolf Eyes on the 21st at Soup Kitchen, supported by the lovely evolving collective of musicians that is Desmadrados Soldados de Ventura. That was a great set, David Birchall took it (rightly so) as a compliment that it was the "least experimental set I've ever seen [him] play", and Kate Armitage's vocals were superbly creepy and wild. Truly fantastic to see, I'm looking forward to seeing them again in January. WOLF EYES. First time I've seen Wolf Eyes, and they didn't disappoint, although, as seems to be a theme with gigs this month, the sound system did. I wanted it to knock me out of my skin, but it felt more like I was listening from upstairs. Still great, but not quite all it should've been. Often the way Soup Kitchen, you might want to look at that.

Bohren Und Der Club of Gore. OH YES. This was Friday 22nd at Islington Mill, courtesy of Fatout. That was some gig. As a side note, if Wolf Eyes had been at the Mill, that would have made for an entirely different calibre of show. Bohren played for over an hour, and it is fair to say they blew me clean out of the water. I was expecting it to be amazing. They took amazing, and made it look like a three year old child's best efforts. Support was Cornered Yet Climbing, a beautifully dark collaboration with Kelly Jayne Jones, Pascal Nichols and David McLean, and visuals by Khom.

And tonight... Tonight is Shellac. I'm a little excited.

An almost perfect month. Some minor mistakes, and friend has fallen out with me, I'm not sure why, but it's making speaking to an entire group of people I like feel like a very awkward undertaking. I don't know what I did, and quite frankly, it's a little teenage. If you have a problem with someone, sort it. So a blip, but it's not something I'm losing sleep over.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Because I really want to look like the boy off Eerie Indiana

About four or five years ago, thought I found my first white hair, but I couldn't be sure, so I pulled it out and it was. I was excited for awhile, then a little miffed when no more came. Today I thought I found another, but I couldn't be sure, so I pulled it out to see, and it was. Is this the beginning of me finally getting lovely white hair, or am I going to have to wait another four or five years for the next one?

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

A couple of poorly conceived ideas about how to address UK, and global, wealth disparity.

(Photograph from the guardian website,, Photograph: Chanm Nyeim Zaw/GuardianWitness)

The highest salary in an organisation should not be greater than 7-10 times the lowest salary in an organisation. Seriously. I really do not see why anyone needs so much more than everybody else. Obviously I understand the need for incentive, the need to feel the value of your work recognised, but there are limits. When supposedly around 300 people in America hold around 90% of the wealth, something is seriously wrong. When a footballer in the UK earns more in a week than most people can hope to earn in a year, something is seriously wrong. Yes, football is a time limited career, but that’s what saving accounts and pension schemes are for.

A minimum of x% of profit should be held by companies as capital/invested into the business. Dividends should not be greater than reinvestment, or wages. 

As a society we should look to measuring wealth by living standards rather than GDP, a move away from the profit and loss balance sheets capitalism hold us accountable by would ensure a better standard of living for the more vulnerable.

An acceptance that as we have moved from a less patriarchal model, we have a greater available workforce. Combine this with the knowledge that people are often more productive working shorter hours (greater health, more energy, more creativity) and look at a socio-economic model that allows part time work to support living standards (see the first point). 

A recognition that essential services run by private companies operate for profit. Profit means they are not running it to provide the maximum benefit to their user group. Everyone except the government knows this. Transport links to rural communities closed for reasons of “profit” isolate communities, lower opportunities for employment, and generally suck. I’m unsure what point there is in high speed rail, when many communities have little or no decent transport links at all. Investment in nuclear power from foreign firms guaranteed more than double the current unit price for energy does not benefit those it should, it benefits shareholders, rather than acting to create a better standard of living for a population.

A recognition of what welfare, and national insurance should be. Key word is “insurance”. By helping those who need it, when they need it, without effectively placing them in the poorhouse, allowing them to keep social networks intact, children in the same schools, their chances of getting back into work would increase significantly. When all peoples time is occupied by fatigue and shopping for the cheapest of everything, the time for job seeking goes down. When family networks have been broken down through enforced moves, and there is no spare money anywhere, how do mothers pay up front for childcare and new work clothes?

A model that favours community and localised services rather than centralisation. Localised provision, be it in governments, dairies, agriculture, healthcare provides employment, fosters communities and creates jobs, centralisation causes unemployment and only favours profit. Localisation in our food industries allow for a more sustainable model, offer the prospect of better quality, less packaged green groceries, the prospect of reusable packaging (glass bottles, glass yogurt pots) in dairy, and less plastic leaching into our food products. Localised slaughter, butchery would offer the same thing. We are constantly looking for ways to reduce packaging, reduce transport miles for our food. LOCALISATION. Again, highly specialised services can operate better from a central model, yet for so much more all we reap is the price of alienation. 

We live in a society that values money alone, we exist to serve the machine. What ever happened to the notion that businesses are there to service our needs? 

Our society should serve us. Not the other way around.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

The one in which the Woodcat decides to stop drinking for a time because she keeps listening to Nick Drake in the car

 There is a dog following me. You know the one. He's being howling in the field behind my house for some weeks now, chasing my car as I drive to and from university, sitting outside lectures,barking all day, howling all night. Recently he's been getting more confident and coming closer. He pads around my back garden and knocks on the back door for food. And against my better judgement I've started to feed him, to encourage him, and I think I must stop, or soon all my evenings will be spent alone doing nothing but watching Limmy, with a black dog lying with his head on my lap.

You know that the Woodcat has occasional issues with depression, right? And issues with ADD? And you know how that works and impacts my behaviour towards you all? Probably yes and no in equal measure.

The depression side of things is simple enough, in that most people I know have had personal experience of depression, either first hand or through close personal acquaintance. People tend to understand the need to introvert, to oblivion seek, to be a little less present, a little less emotionally available or capable. The attention thing makes things a tad more complicated. People have images of attention disorders as hyperactive bastard kids into everything, unable to focus on everything ever. People who are unreliable because they never remember anything. Truth is, it's not really like that. Attention Deficit Disorder is kind of a misnomer, it's not that attention is gone, so much as it's almost impossible to direct it appropriately. It's being sat at work working to a strict deadline and only being able to focus on learning how to make soap - seriously, I have quite a good understanding of how to make lye, render fat and make a good quality soap, though my attention waned before I ever got around to doing it. It's not being able to work between 3pm and 3:30pm daily because you have a work colleague on a conference call, and you can't tune it out of your head. It's revising for your Maths A Level by reading Edgar Allan Poe, or reading first year degree level Maths when you're doing your English degree. It's having known for a good 18 months what you want to write your dissertation on, knowing exactly what you want to explore, exactly what you want to say, but being unable to start until three days before the deadline. It's being eight years old and maybe only writing the date in an exercise book over the course of an entire morning. It's being fourteen years old and maybe only writing the date in an exercise book over the course of an entire morning. It's being late for everything. It's about understanding everything in classes, but being unable to write essays. Locking yourself away to work and finding yourself doing everything but. The inexhaustible lists that you attempt to live by. It's the inability to forget anything, and the inability to prioritise these thoughts, ideas. It's fluctuating between constantly going off on tangents, or an inability to change tack. Not letting things go. It's the constant blow to your self esteem that comes from chronic underachievement, that despite having an IQ somewhere above 140, you can't complete simple tasks on time. It's going out with strange boys that you really ought to avoid because they were willing to run down the road pretending to be an aeroplane with you. It's a basic problem with inhibition, of self regulation, of impulsivity. It's a problem regulating your interest level. It's needing immediate reinforcement, immediate rewards. It's not being able to skirt around issues, ideas, wanting the point, the bottom line often even before there is one. It's growing up being constantly told you are wilful, stubborn, stupid, a daydreamer. That you are idle. Lazy.

All of this causes significant impact on me personally, but I'm kind of used to my own academic and professional self sabotage, I've come to understand it and if not forgive exactly, at least be more forgiving of it. But there are areas that still upset the crap out of me, and yet it's hard to prevent it from happening. My friend Paddington used to say that there were two Woodcats, a good one and an evil one, and in lots of ways that's almost exactly how it is. Much of the time I can be a warm, understanding compassionate person. And yet... It's constantly making social gaffes that alienate and isolate. It's suffocating friends who need space, and neglecting those who need your attention. It's asking questions that are none of your business, joining in conversations where you may not be welcome. It's treating people badly. It's getting angry for ridiculous reasons. It's being curiously intolerant of other people's behaviour because your head is in a ridiculous place. Constantly butting in and not waiting your turn in conversations. It's existing in a curious plain next to reality, where you veer in turns from looking at the world from behind your face, to being completely engaged in hedonistic experiences. It's a million and one small things that everyone will recognise, but for most people it doesn't impact their lives. Be thankful. It's a bitch.

Depression is a curious ally to balance my ADD. Experiences with depression have allowed me more insight into how my behaviours impact others, and to be more self aware of when I go significantly down hill. And I am starting to notice that I'm going down hill. I'm not treating people well. I'm not treating myself well. Most of my day is spent feeling like I'm looking at the world from behind a mask. My foot is in my mouth more often than usual. My impulse control is way down. Basically, I'm not great to be around right now. Self sabotage is a definite issue. And I'm playing Nick Drake way too often. So I'm going to spend a little less time with people for a while. That said, I am very lucky to have friends who accept that sometimes I am an arse, and will either laugh at me, or tell me I'm being an arse, or both. I'm also lucky to be reasonably aware of when I am less than I want to be, and work on making myself less of an idiot. No mean feat, mind, but I'm working on it. Still, if I'm an arse to you, tell me. Self aware or no, I don't always notice myself being an idiot, and you can't change what you don't know about. It's kind of like the age old dilemma, do you tell someone they're flying low? Most people avoid doing it for their own personal discomfort, only to let the other person embarrass themselves more widely, by exposing themselves more widely... So if I'm a dick, tell me. Hopefully it won't last long. While having a black dog lurking in the back garden is one thing, I'm not keen on the idea of living with one full time.

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Stop trying

The Woodcat needs to stop trying to be better, more responsible, more of a human being. Stop trying to be less of a dick. Less of a fuck up. She is who she is. And mostly, she's an arse.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

A small moment of ranting about other peoples parenting

I generally prefer to keep my opinion of other people's parenting quiet(ish), save for when they are causing psychological or physical damage to their child. But this morning really hacked me off.

A short highly judgemental parent rant about the thoughtlessness of roughly half of the parents at my daughters nursery:

It is Halloween, and yes, the children are interested in dressing up. That said, when I arrived this morning half of the kids at nursery, already too hot in ridiculous acrylic skeleton costumes, were stripping themselves down to vest and knickers and unable to change into their ordinary clothes because their parents hadn't put a change in their bags. This left some of them quite upset, and, although the nursery has some spare clothes, is quite frankly unreasonable of parents not to foresee the inevitability of their child's discomfort and the likelihood that they would be much happier with their regular clothes on, and a costume in their bag to change in and out of as the mood takes them.


For fucks sake.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013


Pretty month a whole month has gone by in a flash. Well a series of small flashes. And lots of moping. And some gigs. And some sleeping. All of that.

Obviously the start of the month got off to a bad start. I'm pretty sure I blogged that, and I think that adding details would be unnecessary. Suffice to say the incident has been resolved to my satisfaction, and allows me to continue viewing the people I know and mind about as people I know and mind about, instead of getting hung up on their actions. People often say actions speak louder than words. Souls speak louder than both. Looking someone in the eye, irrelevant of what is said, allows for understanding in a way that words and actions never will. And now all is fine and dandy. So kids, if people offend you, or you offend them, man up and speak to each other, as honestly and openly as you can. You don't have to tell them everything. Just talk. Mean what you say, even if you can't say exactly what you mean. Often that can fix everything in a way that time and distance never can.

Enough of that. On with the rest of the month. I went to see Metal Rouge at Kraak on the 7th, which was pretty awesome, and Acid Mothers Temple on the 10th. Acid Mothers was absolutely freaking brilliant, not least because I'm slightly convinced they arrange where they stand on stage based on who looks the most like a wizard. The weekend of the 19th and 20th was the Carefully Planned festival around the Northern Quarter. A few good bands were listed, but I was only really bothered about seeing Warm Widow, and maybe Plank!, on the Saturday, and Big Joan on the Sunday. But line ups change, Warm Widow couldn't play because of a drumming limb injury, and Big Joan moved into a Saturday night spot. I need to take a moment here to say just how good Big Joan are. Seriously AMAZING. Loud and raucous and mental and amazing. Good times were had with beers with lovely people, and eventually ended up with Martin Warm Widow and I colonising Danny's kettle while records were played, fun was had, and members of Big Joan gradually fell asleep to raging death metal at around 4am, followed by me driving Mr Warm Widow home, and getting at least two hours sleep before my Kittencat awoke.

Wednesday 23rd was Mark Eitzel. I'm surprised I was the only person I knew there, but it was one hell of a show. The support band were still on when I got there, they were good if you like that sort of thing, kind of generic folk pop complete with hand knits and a violin. Not really my bag, maybe some one elses. They weren't bad, definitely tuneful and all of that, but not for me. I'd tell you who they were, but I can't remember, and the details will probably be on the Hey! Manchester site around about here. The combination of this, and the overwhelming stench of feet present in Soup Kitchen on that particular evening made me nearly leave without ever hearing Mr Eitzel, but I'm glad I stayed. Few people can transcend the smell of feet, but he just about manages it, aided by my having found a spot where the smell was diluted by the air con. So yes Mark Eitzel, you transcend the smell of feet. What can I say? You are a beautiful, talented man, everybody knows it. And now we know you have the power to overcome evil smells as well with your singing prowess.

Saturday 26th and Sunday 27th was the Mantis festival. I've never managed to get down before, but this time I got to all three concerts, and there was some pretty inspired challenging stuff. The auditory potential of 48 channels is awe inspiring, and some pretty amazing soundscapes and auditory experiences result. I will say that some of the pieces better than others, and I think some of the pieces possibly needed a little more daring. Some I need a better understanding of the underlining concepts of what was intended in order to appreciate how much I like them. Three moments arguably stood out for me, Brona Martin's piece A bit closer to home...... which created a beautiful spacial landscape mirroring ocassional aural narrative beautifully, Pareidolia I by Patrick Dunn and performed by Marij van Gorkom (I think that's the piece I mean, she played about six, I think this was fourth?), and Gavin Osborne's Mechanical Air with a hypergraphic score by Michael Mayhew, this last piece beautifully executed with flute and electronics, and the distortion of the aspect of the planet looking like a human skull pleased me immensely. Or at least it did if I'm remembering the order of this right. I think those visuals and that piece line up - then again, I heard and saw a lot of amazing things this weekend. My friend Danny Saul had a piece (Rise) on the Sunday also, I must confess to having a huge list of questions before I'm going to know exactly how much I liked it. Some pieces meld or challenge you instinctively, and some have a helpful and pithy little description in the programme which you look at a few days later and say "Ah yes, so what I was getting was what they were going for after all", containing as they do one or two emotive rather than music techy words which confuse and bewilder me in terms of aim. I will say the arrangement was awesome. But overall, and this may have been the intention, it left me with a curious sensation of being utterly alone and abstract from my surroundings, from the rest of the world. There was a numbness reminiscent of those times when you walk alone in a crowd, hearing but not hearing, seeing but not seeing, nearly getting run over by something or another because in your absenteeism from the world you saw the car but it didn't occur to you not to cross. Warning sounds barely register, barely penetrate your consciousness. You hear as if underwater, sounds all sounding the same, distances blurring in their indistinguishable one volumed noise. As you can see, I have questions. Because if that was the aim, I fucking loved it, and it would make the stand out list into four, not three. If not, well, there are points that a few tweaks would have changed the entire experience into one that felt absolutely alive and engaged in EVERYTHING.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

"One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not feeling embarrassed afterwards. You should look into that."

Having a Firefly moment.

It's good to know how people see you.

Life confuses me. People confuse me. Late night drunk texts express disdain, you find out exactly how some people see you. And you find yourself thinking less of them, despite knowing that they aren't actually as much of a douche as they're being. And generally people can be quite douchy, when we have stuff going on we fuck up, I know this, I am pretty darn forgiving about most people doing most things. I know we all behave like dicks at times, and as a rule I judge everyone I know on who they are, not what they do. But there comes a time when knowing who someone is is not enough to excuse their behaviour. The way people behave towards you is a display of how they perceive you, and ultimately, who they are becomes irrelevant. The message with the shitty excuse for an apology the morning after doesn't remove the illumination of knowing how someone sees you. And for that I should say thank you, it's good to know how people see you.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Breaking Bad is over

And it was truly awesome. It really was. I can't write about it, because I know too many people who haven't seen some/all of it. But hell. I reckon I might watch it all right through again sometime next year. But for now the difficulty lies in trying to decide whether to work all the way through The Sopranos from the beginning, or go for something new (to me) and watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... And while I wrote that, I decided. "You know, I love you guys, but sometimes you're not that cool. Try to be cool." - Yeah, I'm going to like this.

So in follow up to the last post

I only want to be friends. Whether you like me in that way or not. Whether I like you in that way or not. Friends. That's it. We good? Awesome.

Sometimes it takes those who know you less well to tell you how fragile, and how strong, you are.

There's been a lot of reflection the past few weeks. Cattenberg's move was finally completely completed a week and a half ago, and the start of term promptly began, leaving no real time for straightening life out before it became too busy to. I will confess that this leaves me feeling less organised and more bewildered than I wanted, the original plan was that the summer would be a time of rebuilding, for both of us, our separate lives in our separate homes. I don't blame Cattenberg for this, the multitude of failed moves were hardly his fault, and it's rare to have such a prolonged run of bad luck with potential landlords. Nonetheless, there are things that should be that are not, and I am only just in the process of making this right. This leaves me very much feeling like I'm still on the back foot, but this will not be for much longer, but probably doesn't help to minimise a level of fragility I didn't know was currently present, but has made itself highly visible in the past couple of weeks.

I'm also reminded of a conversation a few weeks ago, with a friend who berated me for saying I'm not much of a catch, telling me that the only thing that would make me not so is in saying that about myself. So I should probably clarify. I like my face. I like who I am. My face, like myself, is not perfect, but it looks like me. I can be pretty interesting, if you like that sort of thing, and I can be humorous, albeit infrequently, and not uncommonly in poor taste. My foot spends most of it's time in my mouth, but I'd say that that's a really good way of finding out who your proper friends are. I'm a pessimistic optimist, in that I generally plan for the worst case scenario in order to always be pleasantly surprised. The things I do and give to people generally aren't done with an ulterior motive. I appreciate good art, and bad art, and I have an excellent wall of books in my living room. Saying "I'm not much of a catch" is not really about my own personal feelings about me. Me is good. It's more a defence mechanism that's become a habit I guess. I'm not interested in seeking a relationship, and putting myself down, and outlining the minutiae of life with a child rather than the more interesting facets of my being is a really good way of making boys run away. And yet again, this is not about the idea of me being scared of the idea of a relationship, or intimacy, or anything else, it's just that I don't want one for the sake of it. If I like someone and they like me, great. Let's hang out, see what happens, find out if it's interesting. But there has been no mutual like. One way, or the other, but not both, together, at the same time. And this brings me to a serious point. If it's not going to happen, either because I've already told you it's not, or because you don't actually like me and are just drunk and lonely and are suddenly reminded that Woodcat is indeed a girl, don't kiss me. Seriously. Don't kiss me. This is a very serious point. I have always been a fairly tactile creature, and generally speaking, if a boy kisses me, and in that instant I want to and I have no reason not to, I will kiss them back. It doesn't necessarily mean anything to me, other than a nice moment, and I will happily continue being friends with them, with such a thing not having changed anything. So if you like me, or if I like you, or if it's just a tactile moment, I'm unlikely to be the one with the massive brake saying "hang on a moment." That said, if I'm not interested, I can categorically say it will not go any further. I have no problem with kissing you, and still being your friend. I have no problem still being your friend even if it does go further, and turns out to be a mistake, on either your part or mine. But this is where it gets messy, and why I am saying don't kiss me. Any time this happens, any time an interest has expressed by a boy in recent months through whatever motives, subsequently their friendship is removed. Of course this is never admitted to, "of course we're still friends". And yet the change in the wind states otherwise. Some more noticeably than others, going swiftly from speaking nearly every day to "I'm washing my hair" when a beer is suggested, others were more part of a circle of friends, and so the absence can be denied more convincingly. When I was talking to my friend about my lack of catchness and this particular phenomenon, he said some boys have some weird guilt thing about this kind of thing, and that's why they behave like this. I have no such guilt. Just because someone turns out not to be interesting to you in that one facet did not mean that you weren't attracted to them at all, it just means that ultimately you were only attracted to them enough to be friends. And if you carry on talking to people, and keep these things open, people generally get back to normal with you very quickly. This I know from experience on both sides of the fence, and have some excellent friendships that began as misguided more than that's. And friends, old and new, are necessary and valuable to me, especially at the moment. I'm more likely to pine over the loss of your friendship than I am about ten seconds of saliva. So don't kiss me. And if you do, don't make such a big fucking deal about it.

Saturday, 28 September 2013

It's been a couple of weeks since my last confession (and consequently it's a long one, sorry)

Not that I've sinned. I don't think I have. But life's been busy dear diary and Latvian bots, and I haven't felt like writing much lately. But some fun has been had, some gigs have been gone to, and I have discovered that some people are less than I perceive them to be, and I am disappointed. It takes a lot for people to disappoint me - as a first class A1 fuck up, generally I am the first to excuse the poor behaviour of others, when people are a bit shit I know through my own fallibility how easy it is to be shit and unintentionally hurt/offend/let people down. But when people need help, you give it. At the very least you make sure that they are okay, or that someone else is helping them. And I find myself massively disappointed in those who don't. No doubt I won't harbour any ill feeling towards them for long, I've tried to hold grudges in my youth and I just can't do it, but it has removed a layer of trust I previously held in some people. There are some people who will never fail to live up to expectation, who value people as people, and others, others who ultimately only value you while you have something to offer them. Hey ho. I guess it's like when you loan someone money and they don't pay you pay you back. You don't write them off, but you must write off the debt, and recognise that you can only ever afford to give to them what you expect never to see again.

But anyway, the last few weeks. Gigswise, I went to the Mad Nanna gig at Dulcimer on the 14th and Robert Curvengen on the 19th, and I somehow found myself in 42nd Street on Tuesday night. I'll go into the gigs in a moment, but I have to admit, despite probably being the oldest person there for at least half the night, I had fun. It's not what I would prefer to do week after week after week these days, but I danced to bad music, and old indie music with people who are excited and enthusiastic about life, and yes, it was a lot of fun. I'd promised one of my friends a lift home, and about 1am she cashed it in. As we were leaving I found one of my friends, sitting on the pavement outside, bummed a cigarette, and agreed to come back and rescue him from the horror of the young people after I'd fulfilled my lift giving promises, which I duly did, and the remainder of the night was spent having a bit of a catch up and moaning about the young people, as old folks are wont to do. Gave him a lift home, got home about 3:30, woke with the child just after 6am, wrecked all the following day. Awesome evening all in.

Back tracking a little to Mad Nanna on the 14th, that was awesome fun. Kate had been so excited about this for weeks, and excitement like that never fails to infect. Mad Nanna are from Australia, producing a wonderfully discordant sound that jars and enchants in equal measure. Kate's excitement was not misplaced, and I enjoyed them immensely. Also on the bill was Nick Mitchell as Chalaque, joined by Pascal Nichols for an awesome set, and Sweat Tongue, a trio from Rotterdam performing an incredible set of screaming, ladders, thrusting and fairy lights stuffed down oversized underpants worn as overpants. Final act was Sky Needle, and I don't remember a huge amount (it was over a week ago), but I do recall lots of fantastic homemade instruments, I think that one of the chaps from Mad Nanna was in the line up, along with the most ridiculously beautiful boy on drums (not the kind of boy you'd be interested in, rather the sort that makes you weep that you cannot draw or paint, and so cannot paint or draw him) and fronted by the fabulous Sarah Byrne who spent most of the set with her back to the crowd. She had no need to court her audience, we were already captivated.

Robert Curvengen was at the Bay Horse, supported by Andreae/Birchall/Cheetham and River Slaughter both of which were excellent. I hadn't seen Sam Andreae play since the Bark! gig a few months ago. Always awesome to see. River Slaughter is David McLean and Callum Stephen Higgins performing a dark encompassing set, set off by awesome visuals drawn largely from Tombs of the Blind Dead. Curvengen's set was mesmeric and immensely powerful. And that is where the evening went peculiar. I remember speaking to a couple of guys, I remember walking up the stairs in the Bay Horse, and then I remember sitting in my car, staring through golden street light infused raindrops on my windscreen. The intervening time is gone, though I can trace it back through messages on my phone to know that nothing bad happened. Where the time went is a mystery, and worries me a little. This is not an experience I can explain, nor one I care to repeat anytime soon.

The last few weeks have been consumed with the finalization of Cattenberg's house move last weekend, and getting ready for returning to university, this week having been the first week back. With the delay on the simplification of our separate living arrangements, I don't feel quite as ready for the start of term as I'd planned, nonetheless, there is a lot to do this year and the Woodcat shall be hitting the ground running. And swimming. Lots of swimming. Swimming pleases me greatly. Although I've got to say that I was a little weirded out by the guy eating salt and vinegar Hula Hoops in the showers yesterday... Yeah, life. All of that.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

If she was just a little bit bolder, and a decent amount wiser, Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball could actually have been an intelligent, provocative statement on how women are taught to objectify themselves. As it stands it's more than a little sad.

Watch it. You should. Yes, it's derogatory. And naively, grotesquely sexualised. Many people are criticising this video, and Miley herself, as a "wank fest". But I watch this and I see several things, most noticeably, failed potential for a provocative statement on how women are objectified within society, more often than not, by themselves, and how this objectification demeans men as much as women.

Firstly, the lyrical content. Yes, rather than simply watch Miley licking a sledgehammer and writhing naked bar her Dock Martens, it is relevant to watch the video in conjunction with the song it promotes. This is a song bemoaning the loss of a relationship, and admitting a fair degree of fault for the way in which it went wrong. And specifically, refers to a lack of intimacy in the relationship, and in the attempt to heal it. The protagonist of the song, as with the protagonist of the video, goes in with a skewed view of how to bond with another human being, that in the romantic stakes, she will only be valued as a sexual plaything, and as such, must bit her lip, wriggle and writhe no matter the discomfort level of lying naked on rubble, and lick EVERYTHING in an effort to maintain her erotic image, her levels of attraction. Miley has been criticised for this left, right and centre, yet if you look to the words of the song, she acknowledges that the approach is wrong, that intimacy, personality, rather than sexy sexy sex sex is ultimately what people want, what they stay with. Sexy might turn your head for a time, but without intimacy it doesn't hold your attention or your heart.


I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah, you wreck me 

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you in
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should’ve let you in 

So far, so full of potential. The recognition that girls are taught that men only want them for sex a) demeans them, b) demeans men by assuming that men want less than women do, and c) showing how going in with all your sexy bits a-shaking to try and salvage something only further emphasises the lack of closeness, the lack of viable relationship.

If this was what this video had sort to achieve, this would have been awesome. Someone, rather than just sexualising themselves, opening demonstrating the pain and futility of this kind of debasing behaviour. Women are taught that they are only valuable as tail, then are derided for thinking of themselves that way, and this is something that needs to change. The social objectification of women, that women align standards of beauty with identikit features and sexuality with behaving like a triple X porn star. Women need to reclaim womanhood, and actually learn something. Women are attractive. As they are. For their imperfections, and their perfections. For their humour, their hobbies, their skills, for the way they treat people. In this, women are attractive in exactly the same way as men. And when women find men (or other women) interesting based on quirks of personality, compatible humour, intellect, sense of evil, mutual desire to take over the world whilst monologuing about it shamelessly, women need to remember that they are being assessed in the same way as they assess. Yes, a guy may check out your arse. But if he's looking for more than one night, he'll be looking more closely at your personality. And portraying the failure of recognising this, the horrible pain on both sides of someone debasing themselves to what they are (wrongly) taught that they are, portraying that would have been brave.

If this had been the cause Miley had sought to align herself with, the massive nudity, and writhing and licking may actually have worked with this. Unfortunately, recent gold bikinis and racially subjugated backing dancers mean such a theory as to hopeful intent cannot wash, as does her decision to employ Terry Richardson as director. Richardson, of whose work Rie Rasmussen said "He takes girls who are young, manipulates them to take their clothes off and takes pictures of them they will be ashamed of. They are too afraid to say no because their agency booked them on the job and are too young to stand up for themselves. His 'look' is girls who appear underage, abused, look like heroin addicts … I don't understand how anyone works with him." He is a photographer that allegedly gets every body naked, tries to bed his models, and then gets his assistants to photograph the acts taking place for posterity, or just to embarrass conquests further down the line with exibitions such as Terryworld. Yes, this would be the man to employ if you wanted to make a statement about women being more than objects, and the soft porn styling of the video further reflects this, the lack of nuance, the soft edges remove any potential statement, other than "Look at me! I'm not Hannah Montana any more! Look at me, I've got boobs! And a vagina! And I want to use them! I'll do anything you want... No really, I will..."

All I'm going to say is, she's young, and having grown up as a Disney clean teen, she appears to be embracing the virgin/whore dyad with relish, instead than exploring how such offensive pigeon holing can be erased, and society can learn to view women, and their sexuality, as equal to that of men. Women are not "good girls" or "bad girls", we have our desires, just the same as men, and these are perfectly natural. We are not less for wanting to do something for which there should be no moral judgement so long as both parties are consenting adults.

I hope Miley develops a more nuanced portrayal of herself, I really do. Ultimately, for all the (failed) potential, this video reminds my of being in the supermarket, and stumbling on the uncomfortable sight of a child of about 8 mimicking the gyrations and gestures of a Britney Spears video. At such a young age, girls are already taught that this is what makes girls valuable, and this is upsetting and unsettling, and fails to provide young women for a model of themselves based on worth, instead chopshopping them into a commodity, slightly less valuable than the sum of their lady parts.

Sometimes I miss...

...desire. Reciprocated, unreciprocated, feeling it, being desired. Desire. Yeah, I miss that sometimes.

I also miss having a cat.

And pickled onion Monster Munch. I seriously can't remember the last time I had pickled onion Monster Munch. Better get on that. That one I can do.

Having a cough is a bitch, Bitch.

Kittencat has been a bit croupy for a couple of days, so I've been making the bathroom mega steamy at bath time, slathering her in Vick's Vaporub and giving her all the medicines that help, and she's on for a pretty speedy recovery. Unfortunately, Kittencat likes to wrap her arms around my neck and cough and sneeze in my face when she's ill, and especially at night. I believe it's quite a common phenomenon in small people. But my immune system is shitty, even more so when I've had no sleep, and I could do without a cough. Coughs make me sick, and I lost my tea. Urgh. Too much information? Most definitely. Sorry, Bots in Latvia.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Today I have been getting more than mildly irked about people who don't know the difference between being acquitted and being innocent

So Michael Le Vell. Acquitted. A lot of people are confusing acquitted with innocent. In a case of one person's word against another, it is important to remember that you just don't know. There are a lot of arguments on the Twitter saying that this case was a waste of public funds, but it is important that people aren't exempt from legal proceedings just because a large proportion of the general population like shit TV. Basically, if a conviction can only be obtained by deciding if an actor, or indeed anyone, is lying, an acquittal is not the same as saying the potential victim is lying instead. All an acquittal means is that the strength of evidence is not enough to convince the jury beyond reasonable doubt. Unfortunately, there are only two people in this who know the truth of it, despite any personal feelings or suspicions we have no right to judge either of them.

Life confuses me

Life confuses me. People confuse me. Late night drunk truths expressed via surprise text confuse me. And then I remember that drunk truth based on memories from years before are not the same as current truths. And when morning and sobriety comes, and the take-back duly arrives, life becomes simple again. I am no longer confused.

What I dun on Sunday night

We'll start backwards, it suits my memory better. Having been the purveyor of lifts home Sunday night, Monday morning began with a trip to Philly Phil's work to return a debit card carelessly discarded in my car, but unfortunately without PIN. Seriously, half a present is just no fun...

A week or so ago, Joincey had alluded to the idea of beers via one form of social intertubing or another, and a tentative arrangement was made for pubs on Sunday, before I, in my infinite wisdom, said "Ooooh, gigs." Just like that. It was a choice of two,Conquering Animal Sound at The Castle, with support from Shield Patterns and Tekla, or Roro + Nacht Und Nebel + Lumbers + Suk Ninmyo put on by David Birchall at Thomas Restaurant and Bar. Joincey wasn't getting into town much before 8ish, so I had a beer with Corky in the Castle before deciding which gig to go to. Philly Phil and his new squeeze arrived, and nice times and chats were had before I decided that, except for Conquering Animal Sound, the acts on the line up are local, and so the chance to see them play will occur again soon... And skipped off to the experimental noise gig instead.

I didn't arrive in time for Suk Ninmyo, but walked in during the Lumbers set instead, and a beautiful set it was. When I walked in, guitar strings yielded to fingers lightly, quickly, slowly, lightly, more intensely, music making love to your senses, before being taking over by noise so brutal it murdered you, and buried you, in a hole, on a building site, with hammer drills and loud everywhere, and poured concrete on top of you, and danced a little stampy jig on your newly concreted grave, then a beautiful sense of calm, the world afresh, anew, and gradually folding into the busy of the continuation of the world. Lumbers creates incredible immersive soundscapes, and this was no exception.

A brief break followed, during which I chatted/moaned about nothing in particular to Joincey, before the next set which was Nacht Und Nebel, a chap based in Nottingham, a set of minidisc manipulations a set of cello sounds/processings. It was an interesting set, and felt dark and dense, though it didn't move me significantly, and I will confess to having spent a fair amount of this set examining how the light fittings fit into the beams in the ceiling, and most of the rest of the time looking around the room identifying who I knew/knew of. Interesting, but not captivating. 

Last on the set list was Roro. Joincey left as the set started, not wanting to get into something that he couldn't stay out for (I'd would've offered a lift home, but I think he needed to be home early for work). This guy is awesome. And hilarious. A seemingly haphazard percussion set, infused with a fantastic sense of humour. Seemingly accidentally knocking a jingly thing onto the floor and rolling it around a little, this turned into a sequence of laying out coffee stirrers into the words "cup of tea". Back to the percussion, then David Birchall came across and joined Roro with his guitar, wrapping his arms around it and scratching the surface, and up the lengths of the strings, reminiscient of how my mum's cat wraps herself around my arm and scratches it when she's playing.

After the gig it was time to head back to the Castle to see the last five minutes of Conquering Animal Sound , quite fun interesting pop that made me want to hear more, despite the brevity of time I heard them play (thanks Mr Knox for the free gigness), and a brief chat with Lex before meeting back up with Corky and Philly Phil for final beers. I'd sent some messages out to see if anyone else was out to play also, as when you go out less than the average bear it's nice to try to see as many people as you can when you get out to play, but sadly all said it was late and tiredness won out. Corky and Philly Phil were on fine form, and ace company. After a while tiredness took a hold of Corky too, and Philly and I had one last drink propping up the bar, and chatting to Tekla and her boyfriend Jim. I've not yet seen Tekla play, and this was the first time we met, but she is a lovely lady, interesting and open to talk to. Somehow we managed to embarrass Jim and Philly Phil a little by discussing all sorts of lady things, as well as music and life and Kittencat and all manner of things inbetween.

Eventually it was time to leave, as always inevitably comes around, so I gave Philly Phil a lift home, and when I got myself home, retrieved the monitor from Cattenberg in the spare room so he could sleep the remainder of the night undisturbed, and got myself into bed, ten minutes later a bleary eyed Kittencat had a coughing fit and wandered sleepily into my room to have the remainder of the nights sleep pressed up against my face, coughing into my eyes, nose, mouth, and grinning with a beauteous expression bordering on rapture as she snuggled up with her arms tightly round my neck, murmured "I've got you Mummy" and fell asleep, as the coughing gently subsided.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Here's a smirk

When I watched Serpico the other week, there is a bit at the beginning of the shooting range scene about an hour and a half in. I'd forgotten where I recognised it from, but I'm pretty sure it's the sample at the start of this.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Confessions of a screen addict

Season 1 of The Newsroom (Finkelman) - Is this a bran muffin? I'm going to watch this all again in a week or so. I freaking love it.

Westworld - The beautiful thing with this is that they don't try and moral out the possibility of sentient robots turning on depraved humans, the portrayal of the humans does it all for you. Happy to rape and murder without a second thought so long as there are no consequences,this is a film that is a) brilliant as a human escapes mass murdering machine, and there are a surprising number of instances that you may find yourself noticing characteristics and scenes from Terminator (1 & 2) appear to be based on Yul Brynner, and b) an astute, uncompromising and unpatronising view of the ugliness of humanity.

Serpico - I watched this, and then a few days later I was in the pub, and someone decided that one of the guys looked like Serpico. It was quite uncanny. I'm glad I watched it beforehand, otherwise I might have found myself laughing somewhat inappropriately. Genius film.

Soylent Green - Because people will do anything to get what they need. And they need Soylent Green.

Season 5 Castle - Now, you know I love Castle, but this was disappointing. Tenuous relationship doubt painfully levered into stories, and leaving the series cliff hanger as a proposal vs job offer scenario? Sheesh. Bored already. No doubt I'll still watch season 6, but with less zeal.

Breaking Bad, weekly is killing me. I NEED IT ALL NOW, BITCH!

First Blood - Although a war veteran, rather than robots, First Blood is similar to Westworld (vaguely) in its brutal depiction of humanity at it's worst. Stallone is never called on to justify his position, the other people do it all. This stark, one sided way of depicting such a story, the idea of giving your villains enough rope to hang themselves is pretty lacking these days. Cinema audiences are assumed to be too stupid to fathom these things for themselves, and must have the prescribed moral spelled out in words of one syllable or less and rammed down their throats.

Seasons 1, 2, 3 Lost Girl - Canadian, faux feminist supernatural type drama, centering around a succubus with bisexual tendencies. She has had a thing with a boy, and a girl, and refuses to be shackled to a label of good or bad. So far so good if you were looking to assess it in terms of open mindedness about women, and sexuality, and yadda. But her supernatural healing is based in her having sexy sex, and ultimately, the box is not as good as the cock, and only the boy's sexy boy junk will heal her. Who says patriarchy is dead?

Heathers - Carrying on with Christian Slater films is a good thing

Frances Ha - I think I smiled nearly the whole way through this film, to the point that when I left the cinema, my face hurt a little from my perma grin. It's really beautiful. Go watch.

Only God Forgives - Awesome. Very red.

Season 2 Once Upon a Time - Terrible, and tedious, and highly addictive. Robert Carlyle is Rumpelstiltskin, and that is reason enough for watching it in my book.

15 Storeys High - Because it's brilliant. And because I acquired both series in a box for the princely sum of £4.50. Bargain.

The Place Beyond the Pines - Missed it at the cinema...

Limmy - Because.

Scarface - Because.

Big Trouble in Little China - Because.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - Elizabeth Taylor? Paul Newman? Hurt. Sexual tension. Family tension. Failed ambitions and guilt. What more can you ask from a film? I don't do girls (so far as I know), but Elizabeth Taylor could have offered me an alcohol rub anytime, and I would not have said no. I love this film.

Think OJ meets the Halocaust

Is this a bran muffin?
It's carrot bran, it's new.
This is a very carroty muffin.

I've just finished series one of The Newsroom (Finkelman). I LOVE GEORGE FINDLAY. I really really do.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Cattenberg finds it disconcerting that technically he was subject to the longest relationship I've ever inflicted on anybody

Only mildly disconcerting. Cattenberg is staying in the spare room over the last couple and the next couple of nights because of the Kittencat's birthday, and we've been chatting away about odds and ends, and somehow we got onto longevity of relationships. I can't remember how it came up, but Cattenberg reminded me that when we'd been going out for about six whole months, and had either just found out or were about to just find out about Kittencat, someone had said to me that if he hadn't suggested making things more serious within a set period that I should end it. Now, I should hasten to add that my head was nowhere near that sort of thing back then, I had student debts aplenty, and had downsized my life to accommodate clearing debts and saving, and I had no plan for thinking about children or serious relationships for at least the next three to four years. So it was irrelevant to me and the situation. At the time, I'm pretty sure that neither Cattenberg or I were thinking about the long haul. That said, our conversation tonight started around this, and I have to say that looking on it, I can kind of see the point the helpful soul was making.

In the beginning of a relationship, it's all shiny and new and you want to spend all your time together, and although I don't think jumping into something before you know someone is wise, after the first 6 months - 2 years you do generally know someone well enough to test drive the living together idea, if you're still madly enamored and can stand them and everything, chances are that you should be wanting to think about a potential future, even if it's not very far ahead. If you aren't, then you have to think quite seriously about not just whether you're wasting someone else's time (after a certain age biological degradation is a serious concern, reproductively and otherwise, and it's unfair to decrease someone's opportunities and chances for getting what they want), but also your own. Although you may be comfortable coasting along with someone that you aren't in love with, they fill a vaguely significant other shaped hole, don't annoy you too much, and also the sex, you risk missing out on something that would make you happy just because what you have is, well, it's okay. It's not amazing. But all your friends are settling down, they've got girlfriends/boyfriends/ferrets/allotments, and you feel a little lonelier than when everyone was out until 11am drinking tequila out of a bottle in a shopping trolley racing hair raisingly fast down a hill, or deciding to have a barbeque by a duckpond in a field at 5am after a three hour limbo competition using a detached strip light as a bar (all a little hazy, but definitely happened, somewhere...). And you've got someone to get naked with, watch TV with, talk to when everyone else is too busy to. And yeah, it's nice. You don't want to end up with them, but, it's nice. And you coast. And you coast. And then you end up a little trapped. And running away is suddenly a much bigger deal, because you're older, and less pretty, and a bit fatter, and more irritable, and even more of your friends are all relationshiped up, and all you remember about meeting people was getting drunk as a skunk and letting the beer haze do the rest. And you look at what you have, the little you have, and you worry that despite how lonely you are, you'll be lonelier on your own, that you'll never manage better, so why not settle, why not make it work? But if you aren't happy so early on, you aren't going to get happier. If you aren't interested in talking to your significant other, you aren't going to find them more interesting if you just give it a little more time. You're just going to wake up one day with the courage to run away, only to find yourself less interesting to other people.

Cattenberg said that he didn't really find it worrying that he was subject to the longest relationship I've ever inflicted on anybody, but that people do tend to judge you on the length of your previous relationships, that somehow the perception is that how you have been previously indicates how you will be in the future. I can understand this, I've lived in house shares, I've heard these kind of discussions - "Well, he was like that with Soandso, and Soandso..." - but, and this possibly puts me in a minority, I've never been attracted to the serial monogamist, and I've never really been one myself. It's rare that I've done the coast with an alright relationship thing, generally I've had little enough patience to get bored and irritated with that which is not right quickly enough to kill it nice and dead. So yes, Cattenberg was my longest relationship, and there were a couple of stints of around a year, give or take, but I've generally been a 2 week to 2 month person all my adult life. Because if it's not fun after 2 weeks, it's not going to get funner.

P.S. I feel I ought to state that despite not being a serial monogamist, I've been in love. Maybe I will be again. Being in love is awesome. Relationships, when you're in love, are awesome. But the serial monogamist is a creature that scares me, the idea that someone is with you because they can't be alone rather than actually wanting to be with you is a terrifying one.  I ended something once with someone I really did love because for them it wasn't about being with me, it was about having a girlfriend. And that felt lonely as hell.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Despite blurry patterned bathroom glass, it's still pretty embarrassing to find yourself naked in the bathroom on window cleaner day.

And I'll swear blind the window cleaner avoided eye contact whilst smirking uncomfortably when he called later for cash monies. Should've told him he'd already been paid...

It's been a busy, unproductive time at Cat Lady Towers. Kittencat has moved into the older room at nursery, and although she likes it, such a change inevitably brings anxieties. Much of my time at the moment is tied to cuddles, and talking to her about seemingly tiny things, but to ignore them would be folly. She can't fully express, or even fully understand, why she's worried, so it's important for me to minimise these things for her, to keep her grounded and secure, and to recognise when what she's saying is expressing something far wider and talk to her about it. Kittencat also had a birthday today, she's three, and has spent much of the day running around shrieking, calling our regular games birthday games and taking full advantage of me being a softer touch than usual. She had nursery this morning, and they made her a cake and a card, and she took a couple of toy cars in to tell the other kids about at circle time, and she was generally a bit spoiled.

I'm going to bed. There are things I want to write about, but I don't have the words right now. I'm tired, my shoulder hurts, I'm worried about people I love, and I'm regressing into an antisocial shell. Not a self destructive alcoholic antisocial shell. Seriously, I'm not 27 any more, apparently I'm more mature and wrinkly since then. But despite rekindling my love of watching vast quantities of TV all in one go (currently on The Newsroom, before taking the timely decision to dedicate some serious hours to The Sopranos) I think I need to see more people again. Thankfully it the start of term in a few weeks.

Saturday, 31 August 2013

Last Wednesday (21/08) I saw Easter and Arbouretum at Soup Kitchen

And I experienced the Black Dog Ballroom, a fitting name. I haven't experienced anywhere quite so depressingly awful for a long time.That said, a lot of fun times were had, even in the Black Dog.

I'd not been out to play since the Pine Barrens gig, and Arbouretum with Easter supporting is a pretty nice reason to leave the house, so I decided to trot along. When I say last Wednesday, I mean the 21st, not two days ago. I've been meaning to write something for a week or so, but a curious feeling has been on me, where the only things I wanted to write are not things I care to share, and, given my tendency to over share, it's definitely sensible of me to heed my limited self-censorship radar. The Arbouretum gig was at Soup Kitchen - I don't think I've been in there since before Christmas, when the lovely Ceelpop was in town, and Driver came to stay, and we all got lovely drunk and ended up giddy dancing in Kraak, and some weird boy who looked like a rapist truck driver in training (I think it was the cap and bum-fluff mustache) attempted to drag me over to a pillar for snogging (15yr old in 5th Ave style). I think the level of disgust was evident by me not even apologetically using my usual go away line of "I'm thirty-two and have a kid", instead I looked at him, pulled a face, told him he was too young and ran away, thankfully unmolested in anyway. But I digress... Back to the gig.

I have a tendency at the moment to go to gigs regardless of whether I know people, though it was nice to find I did know some folks at this one. Having arrived a little early, it was nice to sit with folks and have a beer and a chat and generally inflict my company on anyone too polite to tell me to bugger off. One of the chaps at the table was the brother of one of the chaps in Easter. Easter are a Manchester based band, consisting of Thomas Long, Andrew Cheetham, Gavin Clarke and Rich Clarke, and more importantly, they're excellent, and, though the mix on the sound desk last week did them absolutely no favours, they still sounded reasonable. Go to White Box and acquire yourself a copy of Innocence Man. You'll be doing yourself a service. Or something. All I'm saying is that it's a record that gets played from time to time.

Arbouretum were ace, at times kind of folk metal, at other times the darkest, heaviest blues ever. The band consist of Dave Heumann (vocals, guitar, and who I found out later is slightly strange when drunk), Corey Allender (bass), Brian Carey (drums) and Matthew Pierce (keyboards and percussion), and again, despite the dodgy sound desking of the Soup Kitchen, this was an awesome set. I've not seen them before, and even given the technical issues, I was seriously blown away.

After the gig a bunch of folks, including Easter and Arbouretum ended up at the Castle, and drinks were had, and conversations were had,and merriment was made. Somehow I ended up from offering some of the guys a lift home to being in the Black Dog Ballroom (under Afflecks) instead, with some friends and Arbouretum, and this marks the peculiar part of my evening, and the part for which I got, most likely deservedly, soundly mocked. One of my friends went to the loo, and Dave sat down in his place, and started asking about my perfume, and perfume generally. Now I rarely wear perfume, and know little about it, but he just seemed a little bit weird friendly drunk, so I answered as best as I could, then the somewhat stilted conversation went to sibling torture, reasons for scalping oneself (i.e. what was wrong with my life to make me cut off my hair - answer, nothing) and amputee fetishes. I'm pretty rubbish at this kind of small talk, it felt like he was trying to talk about subjects he thought a girl might be interested in, and some girls might of been, this girl not so much, and especially not after having been having lovely interesting and funny conversations all evening. So after running out of things to say, I ran away to the loo, realised it was 3am, and reiterated the offer to the guys of a lift home, but Danny wasn't ready for leaving, and in the style of good friends they stayed with him. But at 3am, and needing to be on form for Kittencat the following day, it was high time I hightailed it, and this is where I realised my folly, and got laughed at. According to the other guys, it was quite evident I was being hit on, and apparently it was naive of me not to notice until it was spelled out to me in words of one syllable. But I was not expecting an instance of "everyone gets less choosy after midnight" that particular evening. Excuses were made, and running away was done, a stocking malfunction occurred on Newton Street and resulting in a midstreet change out of stockings and heels into flats, before taking myself home to sleep for a whole two hours before the start of a new day.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Tonight my own company lacks lustre

I'm a little bit flat tonight. I'm generally pretty good at my own company, but one of the facts of living on your own with a child is that, on nights where you feel keenly that you need to be with other people, you have no choice but to be alone. It's a minor gripe in the scheme of things, and Cattenberg is pretty good at making sure I have chance to go out and see folks. But some nights are not good to be alone, and you can't always predict them in advance.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

As a non-smoker I have to say I fucking love nicotine.

Tomorrow is the last exam. I know shit all, so I'm not hopeful, though I'm not ruling out just about fluking a pass yet - I have one of those newfangled nicotine temporary tattoo stickers on my rear like all the cool kids do. As a non-smoker I have to say I fucking love nicotine. The comedown is a bitch though, so I don't do this so often, but it does seem to be the thing above all others that lessens my inability to concentrate. I've always had a kind of ADD without the hyper element that can ultimately can pull you through those last ditch efforts. It's funny, sometimes I get insanely focused on one thing, mostly I cannot concentrate at all. So, sticker on my arse, keep me focused, and child asleep upstairs, please stay asleep. I need to work tonight.

One more exam bitch. That's all. And then I can watch Breaking Bad.

Panda Pittou

Recently, the kid has decided that she enters and exits the car on her own. Doing this she stands, for a moment in between the two front seats, one hand on each, and leans forward, explaining earnestly "I just need to talk to you for a minute." She gestures that I need to open the front door for this conversation to happen, so I walk round, and open the front door, lean in and wait for what needs to be said. "Panda Pittou." I reply, "Panda Pittou", and the ritual is done, and then she will sit happily in her seat until journey's end.

I have no idea whatsoever what this means. But I like it.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

I would that it were Thursday already

Tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday I have exams. I'm tired, my shoulders hurt, and following the most recent Cattenberg flat fall through, I have stress nausea again so once again I'm living on travel sickness pills and migraleve. But... exams will be done on Thursday, Cattenberg will be elsewhere one way or another from the weekend onwards. All I need now is a pretty young thing to sort my shoulders out and make me s cup of tea or three... Nevermind. But at least life will be where it should be, and full time nursery kicks back in in September, so I can have regular swimming and full time studying. Awesome stuff.

You should all invite me round for a cup of tea

If you're local to Manchester city centre. And I know you. (Otherwise you probably shouldn't, or at least, you shouldn't be offended if I don't come) I'm studying in the business school today as All Saints library is shut - I like it in here, it's pretty awesome, though alas it shuts around 6pm. So that would probably be an awesome time for a study break before I go home in the hope that the kid is asleep and I can carry straight on with the work, hint hint hint...

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Pine Barrens Kingmaker album launch night, with support from Wode

After going to see Only God Forgives on Thursday, I ran across to the Bay Horse to catch the Pine Barrens album launch gig, with support from my friend Danny's band Wode and another band called Blastronaut. I'd only heard a smidge of Pine Barrens before the gig, but what I'd heard I liked, and somehow I've managed to miss seeing Wode live also, and heard but limited youtube offerings, so this was all set up to be an awesomely loud, fresh assault on my ears. Exactly what I was in the mood for. Cattenberg's new flat fell through yesterday, and whilst not angry with him (it's not his fault) I was feeling a bit pissed off with the world and generally in the mood to be out watching violent films and listening to violent music.

So yes, the gig. After the cinema Joincey and I skipped along to the Bay Horse, me for the duration, Joincey for a pint. And to give us credit, we did go and listen to most of the Blastronaut set. Proficient enough musicians, but for me it felt boring and dated, like they'd listened to bands like Motörhead in their teens, and decided that their life goal would be to make music that sounded as near as possibly exactly the same as they could. In this they probably have their fans, not least including their mums, dads and a round of ear plugs, and probably really enjoy doing what they do. But, well, for me at least, they were ahem, a blast o' naught.*

This lack of interesting meant that the rest of the Blastofffuckoff set was spent in the bar, finishing beers, further discussing the film seen earlier, and a host of other things, including really simple stretches to sort out leg issues, and some inelegant demonstrating on the floor in the Bay Horse. Sometimes I shouldn't be allowed out in public.

Next up was Wode. Hearing the music start up (go on, have a play via the soundcloud) the decision was made by me to head back downstairs, while Joincey decided it was time to call curtains for the day. Wode is made up of four Manchester based chaps, who are very lovely and interesting to talk to over a beer, and shall remain nameless - partly because they don't plaster their own names all over online bios, partly because their music speaks for itself, and partly because I forgot one of their names. No doubt they've also all forgotten mine also. This is as these things should be. Wode sit somewhere at the densest, darkest outreaches of Black Metal, but not in a sludgy headachey way. This is a frenetic, creative, tight and unrelenting battery on the senses that is infinitely pleasing. The done thing always seems to be to describe this kind of music in terms of rocks, machinery, metal, weapons, but a) I'm no reviewer, just a girl who went to a gig, and b) often all these terms often seem to be working too hard to try and convince people that a middle of the road band is amazing. Wode leave you feeling pretty beaten (in the most excellent way), they don't need some out dated metaphors about some kind of being repeatedly biffed in the face with some kind of titanium knuckle duster whilst tied to a board moving ever closer to an industrial buzz saw, Batman styley. Actually, Adam West Batman might be a bad comparison, even if you were going to make such a blurb. No doubt these guys would prefer their Batman to be Bale's, fighting Hardy's Bane. To the death. Or something. I'm pretty sure it's not the done thing to grin like a fool at metal gigs, but if I hadn't been in such a stressed mood all that day, that's exactly what I'd have been doing. I'd only heard them via the virtue of the intertubes before, but I'm definitely looking forward to seeing them again.

Pine Barrens. I'd only heard Pine Barrens recently - this came up as a suggested gig on some kind of internet wizardry, and I had a play of a download of Kingmaker, the album launch for which this was the gig was apparently celebrating/promoting/whatever. Pine Barrens are another Manchester based band - defined in some quarters as experimental crust/black metal-influenced hardcore, Black thrash hybrid, what they throw out at you is a highly efficient barrage of well put together loud fuck off. For me it didn't quite have the artistry of the Wode set, but it was a really good set, and they are a quality band. It pleased me immensely, but not enough to fully distract me from my grouch of a mood, so I mooched at the back, pulled a face, and had fun with the loud. But this kind of speed, dark, intense noise should've blown me away, even through the Bay Horse sound set up. It didn't exactly knock me off my feet, but I reckon I'd go see them again. Maybe in another venue they'll be what I want them to be.

Post gig I wasn't quite in the mood to head home, and since Cattenberg was at mine, manning the decks with the caring for Kittencat, I stayed out for post gig beers with Danny, his friend Andy, and the other boys from Wode, then gave a couple of lifts to folks, scabbed a couple of en route cups of tea to counteract the tired before hitting the motorway, got distracted by good chats and accidentally falling asleep (hopefully only for a minute, and hopefully no snoring) on sofas, eventually arriving home somewhere around 4:30-5am? A great night, lovely company, loud music. Yeah, good stuff.

* Sorry, I couldn't help it. I know I shouldn't have. But I had to. I really did.

Friday, 9 August 2013

Only God Forgives is a very red film

Yesterday (Thursday) I went to see Only God Forgives at the Cornerhouse. Joincey decided to join me, and is a civilised cinema accompanier, not wont to talk during, make excessive noise or spill over from his chair into everyone else's space - alas, this is not something that can be said of many folks. I'd heard a mixed bag of reviews of this film, so I went in pretty open minded, but even so this was not the film I expected.

First off, it's very red. For this, though no other reason, it reminds me of Tears of the Black Tiger, a Thai Western that is beautifully, excessively pink throughout. (And I need to watch that again soon, it's awesome). The comparison doesn't hold up in many other areas, aside from this not being a comic pastiche of genres, but the vivid repetitive intensity of the red works on many levels, supporting many of the themes present throughout the film. For example there is a sequence earlier in the film with a girl behind a red bead curtain that strongly mirrors one on the final scenes between the main protagonist and his mother. That the pervasiveness of the red is deeply symbolic of violence and blood, past, present and future, is abundantly clear, and provides a much more subtle effect than scene after scene of gore. The violence you do see is almost more shocking because of this restraint; this is a starkly violent film, though much of the physical violence is off camera the characters treatment of each other is brutal, particularly in the relationships between men and women and central to that, mothers and sons. Kristin Scott Thomas is transformed almost unrecognisably in this film, and in discussions held about the film later on Thursday evening her character was described in terms of a MILF. I don't think it would give away too much of the film to suggest that chances are she'd be willing, so long as she were your own mother. What is similar to Tears of the Black Tiger, and this is a comparison that could be made with many films, is the way in which people can be partially characterised by the weapons they use, the out and out bad dudes killing indiscriminately with automatic weapons, while those presented from a more sympathetic/moral perspective fighting with simpler weapons, swords, fists or at a push non automatic weapons. Repeated sequences closing in on swords mirroring scenes representing Ryan Gosling's arm in the same way lend a certain amount of credence to this. The visionary element of the film lends a a hallucinatory feel to parts, suggestive of prophecy, of truth. It's an ambitious, and massively complex film, well worth your time, visually beautiful and the sound is fantastic. The only thing I would say is that there are moments that would have benefited from either being shortened, or lengthened, and there are occasional instances where there is a certain amount of self indulgent cinematic wanking going on. Be that as it may, it's hugely beautiful, disturbing and thought provoking.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Why you're all bots

My friend was asking about my blog the other day - and as the conversation progressed I looked at stats. And it weirded me out a little. I've had this blog for a number of years, and I rarely say anything interesting and over most of its life (about 3-4 years) it'd only gotten itself a fairly so so couple of thousand page views, at least 500 of these being folks looking for Horse Feathers lyrics. Since March, over 6000, bringing it to about 8000 ever. Now I know about four people read this, a recent friend, my lovely Driver, a boy I had a minor crush on when I was 14 (rest assured dear, nothing major, and it long since faded, I only have one current albeit long held crush and I'm pretty sure it's not mutual) and of course Cattenberg. But no one else does, dear diary, your faux public nature is only a facade to temper my self indulgence, whilst allowing me to reflect/vent on topics that have no place in actual conversation. Whilst people reading it in no way is likely to make me ramble less often or annoyingly, I'd hate to start feeling selfconscious in this space.

So for this purpose, you're all bots from Latvia or Russia (since this seems to be the source of most of the most likely bot traffic). Heck, you probably are really all bots anyway.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

In persuading myself to revise, I have to note an unfortunate truth about myself

My friend sent me a quote “Revision is like foreplay for exams, the more you do, the better results you will get”. I don't know where this quote is from, but I will say that it proves difficult in many respects. When I still did/had the opportunity/inclination to do the sex, the best foreplay was usually a quickie. You see, that's me all over, the thing that gets me excited about anything is instant gratification, and that, I realise is strongly reflected in my academic attitude to date. Revision was always the day/afternoon/evening/morning before an exam, and no more. I think the only time my revision got the full day for an exam was when it mostly involved watching Fight Club several times over. That's not to say I won't work, or can't work, but there has to be enough of the instantaneous to create the excitement in order to want to put the effort in. To know whether it's worth it, you have to feel that it's worth it.

In between the panels. Is that where we are? We could do anything here...

I watched Super the other day - it's on Film 4, and somehow I feel compelled to watch it again.

Monday, 5 August 2013


I should be working right now, but I'm having a Facebook chat about stuff with a friend. I accidentally ranted. I thought I'd share. You know, because I'm kind. And because I can. My blog. Yeah. All of that.

Discernment is a good thing - In how you perceive yourself, others, the world, art, everything. Taste is massively important - mostly because you can't help but like somethings and not others, and some people and not others - I guess I'm at a point where I'm way more forgiving and accepting of myself, and that makes me more open and less judgmental/defensive in terms of my attitudes to things. Somethings are awful, but if something or someone is not to my taste, I usually see it as a lack of compatibility between me and that person/thing, rather than any inherent flaw in them/it/me. I don't know. I don't like lots of things. But I try to not like objectively, to discern whether I don't like it because it's shit, or whether it's just not me. Like when you meet people, like mutual friends, or work colleagues, or random strangers, or whoever, and they're really nice. And everyone thinks they're really nice. And I find myself trying to get out of talking to them because they bore the hell out of me and I fucking hate them, for that moment, because there's no one else to take the strain of the strained conversation, because everyone else is at the bar, or smoking, and so I hate them, through no fault of their own, and I make an excuse, and run away, because I don't really hate them, but I don't like them either, and because I don't like them, don't like being different to dislike, being as it is an absence of a feeling, rather than a active response, and I dislike that void of compatibility and conversation, and I transpose momentarily that onto them. And then others return and all is well. And so I can appreciate the value of that person, despite that I could never be their friend. Because taste and compatibility means there is discernment, and a lack of spark, a lack of fun, a lack of anything brings you nothing. Except perhaps an awareness that people are different, and have different tastes, different temperaments, different ideologies, philosophies. And it doesn't mean you can't see what other people would value even if you do not value it yourself. Some people like shit. Some people like different shit. It's good to choose to spend time with people who please you, doing/watching things that please you, or even just whinging about shit in a companionable way. There is no reason to put yourself through the tedium of making yourself appreciate stuff that doesn't work for you. Appreciate that it works for others, and leave it there. Don't judge people unfairly for liking stuff you don't, or being boring as hell. People are individuals. But you don't have to like what they like, or be their best friend. The beautiful thing about the variety of the world means you can find your own spot. You don't have to disparage every one, or everything. Just realise what doesn't work for you, and allow yourself that.

Recent watchings

Whip It - I saw this last night. Excellent female cast, directed by Drew Barrymore, almost a chick flick, but not really. Girls on skates, bashing into each other and learning how to feel good about being good at something, instead of feeling pretty and winning the respect of boys. Because lets face it, who gives a flying one whether a boy respects you, so long as you respect yourself? Bitchin.

Cobra - love it. Though how did the witness not recognise the crazy ass killer cop lady sooner? I never manage to understand that.

Escape From New York - because it's Escape From New York. Enough said.

Leaving Las Vegas - I love Nicolas Cage. I bloody love him. Films where he actually acts though, freaking bonus.

Wild At Heart - see Leaving Las Vegas.

Kuffs - On a bit of a cheesy Christian Slater bent recently, and films with Christian Slater cheesy monologuing AND Milla Jovovich? Bonus.

Serenity - Because it's Serenity

Firefly - Because it's Firefly. Also because I've been watching Castle and felt the need to watch all things Nathan Fillion again.

Super - reviews compare this to Kick Ass, then people get disappointed. People shouldn't listen to reviews, or want their films to be like other films. People are stupid. This film is amazing. Kevin Bacon is the baddie. Kevin Bacon. It's ace.

Green Lantern - Emerald Knights - Nathan Fillion voice over

Death Race 2000 - David Carradine. Sylvester Stallone. Many bare breasts, lots of hilarious deaths. What more can you ask for in a film?

Collateral Damage - The thing in films where the baddie kills your kid, so you kill the baddie, and take his child to replace yours. Or in this case hers, to replace yours. Hmmm.

The Hurt Locker - Great film.

Logan's Run - I do love Logan's Run, and I hadn't seen it in at least a year

The Inn of the Sixth Happiness - Possibly one of my favourite films ever. I think I first saw it when I was about 7 or 8, and I've loved it ever since.

Friday, 2 August 2013

I'll tell you right now I'm in love with you

but, be that as it may, I'm not here to force my twisted soul into your life.

Nicholas Cage night at Cat Lady Towers.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Don't run away from love

Wild at Heart is playing on Film 4 tomorrow night. 11:05pm. Yup. That's my plan. Cattenberg's going on a date, and I will be doing one of my favourite things and watching Nicholas Cage films. Alone, in my pyjamas, drinking tea. Maybe knitting. I rule.

Love is something that always terrified me in my youth, but you push an entire person out of your vagina and suddenly you tend not to sweat the small stuff. Like the possibility of getting hurt. What if it ends. Your own apparent lack of worth. Yadda yadda yadda. If it ends, it ends. You won't know unless you try. If you feel worthless generally, stay single until you find what makes you value yourself again. If you are okay about yourself until someone makes you feel worthless, get rid of them, regardless how convinced you are that you love them/how good you think the sex is/they might be your last chance at what the fuck so ever/etc. People who make you miserable aren't good for you. At all. Ever. Live. If being with someone excites you, makes you feel excited, happy, calm, peaceful, randy as a sex starved goat, what ever floats it for you, grab it with both hands. You may fall in love, you may just have a few weeks of lust filled shenanigans. But live. And share yourself. You feel bigger, better, more for doing so. You are bigger, better, more for doing so. The more you give of yourself freely, the better you become.

Unless of course the other person says it is/was/would be a mistake. Or doesn't fancy you. Or both. And then don't sweat it. It's their loss. And there's always tea, pyjamas and Nick Cage...