There's been a lot of reflection the past few weeks. Cattenberg's move was finally completely completed a week and a half ago, and the start of term promptly began, leaving no real time for straightening life out before it became too busy to. I will confess that this leaves me feeling less organised and more bewildered than I wanted, the original plan was that the summer would be a time of rebuilding, for both of us, our separate lives in our separate homes. I don't blame Cattenberg for this, the multitude of failed moves were hardly his fault, and it's rare to have such a prolonged run of bad luck with potential landlords. Nonetheless, there are things that should be that are not, and I am only just in the process of making this right. This leaves me very much feeling like I'm still on the back foot, but this will not be for much longer, but probably doesn't help to minimise a level of fragility I didn't know was currently present, but has made itself highly visible in the past couple of weeks.
I'm also reminded of a conversation a few weeks ago, with a friend who berated me for saying I'm not much of a catch, telling me that the only thing that would make me not so is in saying that about myself. So I should probably clarify. I like my face. I like who I am. My face, like myself, is not perfect, but it looks like me. I can be pretty interesting, if you like that sort of thing, and I can be humorous, albeit infrequently, and not uncommonly in poor taste. My foot spends most of it's time in my mouth, but I'd say that that's a really good way of finding out who your proper friends are. I'm a pessimistic optimist, in that I generally plan for the worst case scenario in order to always be pleasantly surprised. The things I do and give to people generally aren't done with an ulterior motive. I appreciate good art, and bad art, and I have an excellent wall of books in my living room. Saying "I'm not much of a catch" is not really about my own personal feelings about me. Me is good. It's more a defence mechanism that's become a habit I guess. I'm not interested in seeking a relationship, and putting myself down, and outlining the minutiae of life with a child rather than the more interesting facets of my being is a really good way of making boys run away. And yet again, this is not about the idea of me being scared of the idea of a relationship, or intimacy, or anything else, it's just that I don't want one for the sake of it. If I like someone and they like me, great. Let's hang out, see what happens, find out if it's interesting. But there has been no mutual like. One way, or the other, but not both, together, at the same time. And this brings me to a serious point. If it's not going to happen, either because I've already told you it's not, or because you don't actually like me and are just drunk and lonely and are suddenly reminded that Woodcat is indeed a girl, don't kiss me. Seriously. Don't kiss me. This is a very serious point. I have always been a fairly tactile creature, and generally speaking, if a boy kisses me, and in that instant I want to and I have no reason not to, I will kiss them back. It doesn't necessarily mean anything to me, other than a nice moment, and I will happily continue being friends with them, with such a thing not having changed anything. So if you like me, or if I like you, or if it's just a tactile moment, I'm unlikely to be the one with the massive brake saying "hang on a moment." That said, if I'm not interested, I can categorically say it will not go any further. I have no problem with kissing you, and still being your friend. I have no problem still being your friend even if it does go further, and turns out to be a mistake, on either your part or mine. But this is where it gets messy, and why I am saying don't kiss me. Any time this happens, any time an interest has expressed by a boy in recent months through whatever motives, subsequently their friendship is removed. Of course this is never admitted to, "of course we're still friends". And yet the change in the wind states otherwise. Some more noticeably than others, going swiftly from speaking nearly every day to "I'm washing my hair" when a beer is suggested, others were more part of a circle of friends, and so the absence can be denied more convincingly. When I was talking to my friend about my lack of catchness and this particular phenomenon, he said some boys have some weird guilt thing about this kind of thing, and that's why they behave like this. I have no such guilt. Just because someone turns out not to be interesting to you in that one facet did not mean that you weren't attracted to them at all, it just means that ultimately you were only attracted to them enough to be friends. And if you carry on talking to people, and keep these things open, people generally get back to normal with you very quickly. This I know from experience on both sides of the fence, and have some excellent friendships that began as misguided more than that's. And friends, old and new, are necessary and valuable to me, especially at the moment. I'm more likely to pine over the loss of your friendship than I am about ten seconds of saliva. So don't kiss me. And if you do, don't make such a big fucking deal about it.
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