Sometimes a mental health incident can be a good thing

During October, and just about into November my ADD was going off the chart, and impacting my social behaviour. I attempted to apologise to anyone and everyone I felt may have been affected by it. So far as I'm aware, largely everyone was fine. One person however, was not. They started acting as though I wasn't there at all, and, when I attempted to find out what was going on, ignored all methods of communication. Now for someone prone to anxiety based depression, and getting over an ADD incident, this is cruel treatment, because it adds a lot of anxiety to their life. Not knowing if you've done something, or what it is, is a huge headfuck.

I eventually found out what I'd done. Apparently some people overheard part of a conversation I was having, judged me based on overheard part ramblings without context and found me wanting. Fair enough, I could have been more considerate of my surroundings, but anyone who has known me that long could really have checked with me whether what had been reported was what had been said, rather than judging me on third hand information representing out of character attitudes and behaviour. The second, again, I get. In perceiving an atmosphere, and being unaware of the former transgression but very aware of a transgression my friend made in October, I tried to talk about it, drunkenly, like a bull in a china shop. Not really cool. And I called out a couple of ridiculous incidents that I really ought to have just ignored. But, the ADD headmess does not allow you to regulate or always be aware of your behaviour in the way you'd like.

Not everyone can cope with me on an ADD spiral, and that, I completely understand. But when in attempting to apologise,  you're told you're overthinking matters, you tend to think that everything is cool. After all, when things aren't, people tell you, right? And all that said, I picked up my issues quickly, I dealt with them, and went to the doctors and on failing to get any help other than a shrug and a "you could always go private", I implemented some strategies, managed my behaviour, and became a normal(ish) person again. (That aside, I do think that when someone ignores you entirely every time you see them for a month, without telling you why, and walks past you 4 times in quick succession at a gig blanking you completely, to the point where they will avoid speaking to friends if you're there, personally I feel this does entitle you to call their behaviour cuntish... Again, this is something that retrospectively I really ought to have just ignored.)

Incidentally, I feel I should mention that generally I manage the more socially awkward elements of this quite well, mostly. The last time I had a major ADD incident prior to this was in 2007-8, after a boy I worked with exposed himself, and I had a major anxiety reaction to this, heightened by the fact that, due to the structure and make up of the company, I was unable to make a formal complaint. When I made unofficial mention of it to the Director in charge of placements, he laughed, though in fairness he did also move the offending article of colleague to a different project and site. But the lack of being able to admit what happened meant that for a long time I was unable to really deal with it also. I failed to function well at work because I couldn't get the incident out of my head, outside of work I spent a horrific amount of time drunk to oblivion. Chances are people who knew me around then will remember a certain amount of the self destruct about my behaviour. Or at least a certain amount of idiocy.

But I told you I'd found out what I'd done. Aside from these incidents, there was a vitriolic assassination of my character, my mannerisms and and general demeanour. There was comment that going to speak to the people you know at gigs is not okay, that being giddy and having fun and asking people you know if they want to come dance is not okay, that being in the same venue and occasionally finding yourself near someone else amounts to following them around. Behaviour, conceded to be how I am with everyone, was nonetheless taken personally and found to be embarrassing and offensive. And this is why sometimes having a mental health incident is a good thing. I know lovely people. Kind, compassionate, warm and understanding people. People who don't judge out of hand, who will ask you your side. People open and honest enough that if they ever find you going awry, they let you know. I am lucky in my friends. Some people are not meant to be my friend. And that's okay. I don't like everyone, I don't expect everyone to like me. But it is good to know where you stand. My world is peaceful again, and all is well.