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Saturday 17 May 2014

My last exam is on Monday

After that I don't have any lectures for a few weeks, so I'm allocating this time to SORTING MY LIFE OUT. Not quite as juvenile or vague as that though, I have a plan. First off is fixing my environment, this was due to be done last summer, but timings lagged, and by the time Cattenberg was moved out, the summer was gone. There is no blame in this statement, just recognition that life oft gets in the way of good intentions. We've been in a permanent state of half arsed this year, swinging from the good end of half arsed to the borderline crack den (sans crack), so I want to get it done. Next is to speed along the fixing of me. I've been a bit lax with my implementation of the protocols needed to fix myself, some are in place, but there are a few things I need to sort out more quickly. I also need to write up all the things I've been doing so far on t'other blog. In conjunction to that, I need to focus a bit more energy into the next stage of fixing my mum. It's a slow process, but I'm going to bloody well mend her. Because a girl has to have a hobby. Some people fix cars, I'm going to fix my mum. Related to this is the next one, to get cracking on the garden. Over the next few years Kittencat and I will be setting up a fairly comprehensive veg growing set up in our garden, but this year is all about ground work. Making raised beds, digging, clearing, delays until I can afford relevant materials, and so on. Who knows, in a couple of years we may actually get that chicken coop I keep waffling on about.

Finally, I'm going to assess some of my commitments and relationships on a cost-benefit basis. I need to start volunteering next year, and I am going to have considerable demands on my time course-wise with regard to placements, so I need to look at what I spend my time on, and who I spend my time with**. This sounds cold, but there are people I'd like to see more than I do, things I'd like to do and it's sensible from time to time to make sure you aren't prioritising the wrong activities, the wrong people. Kind of a life audit. Do I walk away from experiences feeling entirely positive about them. Do I look forward to time with people, or is there an element of the Doyouthinkhesaurus or, worse, the PleasefuckoffI'mtoosobertodealwithhowboredyoumakeme-Rex in such meetings. Do I get the impression that my company/contribution isn't all that important. Am I that interested in what I'm doing, or do I feel obliged; if so, is there someone else who could do it who would like to do it more, or would find it less inconvenient to do so. Ultimately, I need to assess what I bring to things, and people, and what people and things bring to me. If the good outweighs any negatives, if the negatives outweigh the good. I might keep all of it, I might cut some stuff out. But I need to ensure that my life is full of the right things.

This last one is probably a bit too big to be completed in two weeks. It can be tempting to hold onto roles and relationships based on the notion that people validate themselves in terms of their relationships and roles, yet these are the things that suck you under. Cattenberg recently told me that I am a "selfless person"; while he meant it in the sense that I offer my time/help freely to people when they need help, it got me thinking about the term selfless and what it means. While in a moment, selfless means to think only of others, across a lifetime what do you really bring to others if you are devoid of self? A selfless mother is not a strong role model, though a dedicated, loving one is. A selfless person maybe truly valuable; the value they place in others will make them achieve truly great things. But if a person does not value themselves, they are of less worth to others. When you think about it, are you most happy in the company of someone who wants to make you happy, or someone who is happy? A better way might be to look at it terms of selves generally. People are interesting, there's no denying that. And some more interesting than others. But people who are only interested in others can only offer other people a reflection of themselves. For those only interested in themselves, a selfless type might be a suitable companion. But the world is more interesting, more exciting with the spread of ideas, with conversations and challenges; if one is only focused on the needs of others, chances are you'll become a bit of a bore.

**My friends are not in line to receive notice. But not everyone you spend time with is a friend. I have lots of acquaintances, few I value enough to call friends.

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