Totally fine.
Monday, 10 March 2014
Saturday, 8 March 2014
Recollections of poverty in employment
When I was 26 or 27, I got my second proper grown up job, the first with a proper grown up salary. I'd been working in the resource and planning dept in a call centre, outsourcing to India meant we were all redundant, and the centre duly closed. I accidentally acquired a job as a software tester. Someone put my name to a company, I trotted along for an interview, told a couple of mucky jokes, and was told I'd fit in just fine. And so, three days after my old job ended, my new job began. Technically, it was quite a step up. I think I was earning £5000 a year more before tax. But my commute cost me £250 a month. Regularly we worked away, and although expenses could be claimed, they occurred in the following months salary. They'd go on your credit card, and any profit to be made from expenses would be lost in interest. My take home pay would be about £1400. So lets do some sums.
Lets take off £430 for rent. That leaves £970. Now lets take electric £80, on a single fuel bill there is no discount and having to heat an entire tank of water because you don't have a combi boiler costs, leaving £890. Lets take the rest of the bills, council tax, water, phone, internet (essential for occasional home working), mobile, tv license, roughly £200. That's £690. Now take transport, £250, leaving £440. Sounds good so far, right? Now take the inevitability of trying to pay off debts accrued from university, approximately £400 a month across a loan and a credit card.
£40 a month. I lived on that most months for three years. I am no stranger to the £6 (or less) a week food shop. Now on the outside, to a stranger unaware of my budget, I would have looked well off. They could have had no understanding of how precarious my life was, how easily the rug could have been pulled from under my feet.
Occasionally, working away would give me an extra £20 or £30 a month disposable income (and occasionally more, when, after weeks of living in hotel rooms off cold tins of beans, expenses would come through), and yes, I spent it on seeing my friends and going to gigs, and on social conventions like birthday and Christmas presents for my nephews. How terribly profligate of me. People I know will wonder how I managed to go out as much as I did. I largely went to gigs, a whole night out for £6, and although when I drank it was too much (and best forgotten), mostly it is possible to spend nothing in a bar, because soda water is usually free.
Even with a fuel bill of £80, my flat was freezing, in the winter even with its two inefficient storage heaters it was impossible to reach a temperature higher than 9 degrees, and that was only possible within 3 ft of the heater. My bedroom had no such luxury, and was much colder. I spent my evenings wrapped up like the Mitchelin man. I slept under numerous blankets, in hoodies and jogging bottoms with my hat on. I was surprisingly frugal with my electric consumption, unfortunately I think the clock on my meter for the economy 7 was wrong, so it was really never that economic.
People really have no idea what it means to be poor. Bear in mind that I never considered myself poor, but my situation was horribly precarious. If just one thing had gone wrong, everything would have crumbled.
So yes, before you judge those who don't look to be in need, just consider how fragile many lives are.
Lets take off £430 for rent. That leaves £970. Now lets take electric £80, on a single fuel bill there is no discount and having to heat an entire tank of water because you don't have a combi boiler costs, leaving £890. Lets take the rest of the bills, council tax, water, phone, internet (essential for occasional home working), mobile, tv license, roughly £200. That's £690. Now take transport, £250, leaving £440. Sounds good so far, right? Now take the inevitability of trying to pay off debts accrued from university, approximately £400 a month across a loan and a credit card.
£40 a month. I lived on that most months for three years. I am no stranger to the £6 (or less) a week food shop. Now on the outside, to a stranger unaware of my budget, I would have looked well off. They could have had no understanding of how precarious my life was, how easily the rug could have been pulled from under my feet.
Occasionally, working away would give me an extra £20 or £30 a month disposable income (and occasionally more, when, after weeks of living in hotel rooms off cold tins of beans, expenses would come through), and yes, I spent it on seeing my friends and going to gigs, and on social conventions like birthday and Christmas presents for my nephews. How terribly profligate of me. People I know will wonder how I managed to go out as much as I did. I largely went to gigs, a whole night out for £6, and although when I drank it was too much (and best forgotten), mostly it is possible to spend nothing in a bar, because soda water is usually free.
Even with a fuel bill of £80, my flat was freezing, in the winter even with its two inefficient storage heaters it was impossible to reach a temperature higher than 9 degrees, and that was only possible within 3 ft of the heater. My bedroom had no such luxury, and was much colder. I spent my evenings wrapped up like the Mitchelin man. I slept under numerous blankets, in hoodies and jogging bottoms with my hat on. I was surprisingly frugal with my electric consumption, unfortunately I think the clock on my meter for the economy 7 was wrong, so it was really never that economic.
People really have no idea what it means to be poor. Bear in mind that I never considered myself poor, but my situation was horribly precarious. If just one thing had gone wrong, everything would have crumbled.
So yes, before you judge those who don't look to be in need, just consider how fragile many lives are.
Friday, 7 March 2014
People.
I was too angry to write this yesterday. I'm still too angry, so I apologise. This will not be eloquent.
I heard people on the radio phoning in to talk about people in need using food banks. Judgemental, small minded people. Here is a selection of some of the disgusting things they said, things that boil my blood even now
"Fat people using food banks? They could do with with being hungry for a while, do them some good"
"Nobody with an iPhone should be allowed access to a food bank"
"If they can afford a range rover they don't need food banks"
"They can afford booze, they shouldn't have access to food banks"
"If people can't find work, why don't they just move?"
"If they can afford branded clothes, they shouldn't be using food banks"
There was more, but I shut my ears to those who've shut their hearts. Circumstances can change on a knife edge. We are advised, by parents, financial planning websites, that we should have a contingency of at least three months salary to buffer in the event of job loss. Be honest, how many people have that? How many people at the lower end of the earning world earn enough to put by even £50 a month? £10? £5? Even if they do, in the event of catastrophe, how long do savings last with fuel bills, rent or mortgages? Most people with a mobile phone are tied into a contract, phone companies won't release you because your circumstances change. And in the modern world, communication is vital in the work market. Should you sell your clothes for less than the value of rags, so that you will be deemed more worthy? You still need clothes, and how do you try and get back into work if you no longer look the part? The buffer once provided by savings, has been slowly eroded and replaced by credit. And when the rock falls from beneath your feet, the credit companies aren't sympathetic. They don't give you time. They will eventually negotiate payment plans, if you hound them enough. But most people are too scared. Too scared of the obligation, too scared of what they owe. Too scared of debt collectors, county court judgements. Too scared of losing everything. The limited help they may receive from the welfare system won't help them, and it's likely that they'll try and meet this debt using money that should be spent on food, on heating. And contrary to popular opinion, there are many reasons for being overweight, not simply greed. And those who are overweight do not have the luxury of being able to simply stop eating until they are thin enough to be deemed worthy, their bodies magically converting fat stores to energy in place of food. No, they will get malnourished, just the same as a thinner person. It is entirely possible to die of malnourishment and still be overweight. Their lack of compassion extended to those with children, families, breastfeeding mothers were shown no mercy.
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." You people have no right to judge the circumstances of others. Outward appearances deceive, and when circumstances change quickly, it takes time to adapt. I could opt to sell my car, but how long it takes to sell unfortunately is not down to me. Selling possessions, moving house to find work, none of this can happen instantaneously. It can take months or longer. Starving on the other hand... That's a relatively quick process. So if you think you have the right to judge those in need because they don't look to you like they are in need, I'm afraid you're wrong. In every small minded, petty, measly way, you are wrong.
I heard people on the radio phoning in to talk about people in need using food banks. Judgemental, small minded people. Here is a selection of some of the disgusting things they said, things that boil my blood even now
"Fat people using food banks? They could do with with being hungry for a while, do them some good"
"Nobody with an iPhone should be allowed access to a food bank"
"If they can afford a range rover they don't need food banks"
"They can afford booze, they shouldn't have access to food banks"
"If people can't find work, why don't they just move?"
"If they can afford branded clothes, they shouldn't be using food banks"
There was more, but I shut my ears to those who've shut their hearts. Circumstances can change on a knife edge. We are advised, by parents, financial planning websites, that we should have a contingency of at least three months salary to buffer in the event of job loss. Be honest, how many people have that? How many people at the lower end of the earning world earn enough to put by even £50 a month? £10? £5? Even if they do, in the event of catastrophe, how long do savings last with fuel bills, rent or mortgages? Most people with a mobile phone are tied into a contract, phone companies won't release you because your circumstances change. And in the modern world, communication is vital in the work market. Should you sell your clothes for less than the value of rags, so that you will be deemed more worthy? You still need clothes, and how do you try and get back into work if you no longer look the part? The buffer once provided by savings, has been slowly eroded and replaced by credit. And when the rock falls from beneath your feet, the credit companies aren't sympathetic. They don't give you time. They will eventually negotiate payment plans, if you hound them enough. But most people are too scared. Too scared of the obligation, too scared of what they owe. Too scared of debt collectors, county court judgements. Too scared of losing everything. The limited help they may receive from the welfare system won't help them, and it's likely that they'll try and meet this debt using money that should be spent on food, on heating. And contrary to popular opinion, there are many reasons for being overweight, not simply greed. And those who are overweight do not have the luxury of being able to simply stop eating until they are thin enough to be deemed worthy, their bodies magically converting fat stores to energy in place of food. No, they will get malnourished, just the same as a thinner person. It is entirely possible to die of malnourishment and still be overweight. Their lack of compassion extended to those with children, families, breastfeeding mothers were shown no mercy.
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." You people have no right to judge the circumstances of others. Outward appearances deceive, and when circumstances change quickly, it takes time to adapt. I could opt to sell my car, but how long it takes to sell unfortunately is not down to me. Selling possessions, moving house to find work, none of this can happen instantaneously. It can take months or longer. Starving on the other hand... That's a relatively quick process. So if you think you have the right to judge those in need because they don't look to you like they are in need, I'm afraid you're wrong. In every small minded, petty, measly way, you are wrong.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Curled up in my bed
For the briefest of moments, I felt keenly my solitude as I got into bed a moment ago. And then I remember the loneliness sharing a bed can bring.
I shall sleep soundly tonight.
I shall sleep soundly tonight.
Monday, 3 March 2014
Love Lost: #1
Not the first, and not the last, but one that still feels a shame, even after the passing of nearly ten years. He was my housemate and we met the day he moved in, about a week before the rest of the house came back after the summer. We danced like idiots to Infected Mushroom, and discovered that he'd been responsible for getting me shot in the boob at paintball the previous summer. The connection was instant, we knew each other immediately. Some people are simultaneously easy and exciting to know. That was us. Not in a sexual way, so far as I understood it. But we were best friends, we held each other semi-clothed watching cartoons in our hangovers, we loved each other and held no notable secrets. We occasionally slept together, just sharing a bed, nothing more, wrapped around each other, happy and peaceful. Not exciting, not excited, but there was peace, affection. We occasionally kissed. He always brightened my day. We talked about everything and anything.
It changed a little after University, but we were still close and we still talked all the time, and saw each other a lot. I never thought anything of it, but friends, family have subsequently commented on how close we were. Apparently we were "all over each other" in public, though it never felt like that, it was just natural to have our arms about each other in some way. But it wasn't like that. He had a girlfriend, and I was the flake I've always been. When I eventually moved back to Manchester, we spoke nearly every day.
The end came when I went to visit him one St Patrick's Day, many moons ago. Eight hours on a bus melted into nothing when I saw my best friend. Everything was the same, so easy, so happy. There was everything to talk about and talking about nothing, just as it always was. We walked arms around waist without a second thought on the way to book a restaurant for him and his girlfriend, who was visiting the night after. We made dinner; I was sceptical about wrapping bacon around a chicken breast in turn wrapped around half a banana, but it is still possibly the best chicken recipe I've ever tasted. And then we went out and got drunker and drunker. After many pubs, and even more beers, we ended up in a club where, no doubt due to my extremely short hair, I was getting a lot of attention from the ladies - short hair in West Country villages tends to elicit assumptions. Ever the gentleman, my friend pretended to be my boyfriend to alleviate this, but he was getting a little too into the role. I thought this was drunkenness, and didn't put too much store by it, but as we were stumbling home, wrapped around each other, he kept telling me he loved me. I assumed in the way I loved him, and kept saying "I love you too". But he wasn't. I pretended to misunderstand, safe in the knowledge that we'd get back, I'd pass out on the sofa and it would be back to normal in the morning. But we got back, and Peter Parker was asleep on the sofa. No pseudonyms here, he was actually called Peter Parker. Peter Parker, asleep, in a living room with a massive spider in a tank in the corner. So we bunked in. And he made a move, and I said no, you're drunk, you have a girlfriend, and you'll thank me in the morning. For a while he was quite insistent that I was wrong, but eventually he passed out. The next day was awkward, though we both professed it wasn't. And for me it wasn't. Not really. But after a fairly reserved, polite morning, I got on my bus. And we never spoke again. He married his girlfriend. I did the right thing. I lost my best friend. Once or twice I wondered if I should have behaved differently. But even though we were so much to each other, we weren't that. We never would have been that and for all I miss my friend, and will miss him until the end of days, we weren't that. Both of us very sexual people, but never a glimmer with each other. At least not for me. I loved the time I lived with my best friend, but it's a different sort of love, a different sort of intimacy, and if I'd acted differently that day I'd have been opening myself up to the possibility of settling for less than everything, to be happyish, but never quite happy enough. I will miss you forever.
It changed a little after University, but we were still close and we still talked all the time, and saw each other a lot. I never thought anything of it, but friends, family have subsequently commented on how close we were. Apparently we were "all over each other" in public, though it never felt like that, it was just natural to have our arms about each other in some way. But it wasn't like that. He had a girlfriend, and I was the flake I've always been. When I eventually moved back to Manchester, we spoke nearly every day.
The end came when I went to visit him one St Patrick's Day, many moons ago. Eight hours on a bus melted into nothing when I saw my best friend. Everything was the same, so easy, so happy. There was everything to talk about and talking about nothing, just as it always was. We walked arms around waist without a second thought on the way to book a restaurant for him and his girlfriend, who was visiting the night after. We made dinner; I was sceptical about wrapping bacon around a chicken breast in turn wrapped around half a banana, but it is still possibly the best chicken recipe I've ever tasted. And then we went out and got drunker and drunker. After many pubs, and even more beers, we ended up in a club where, no doubt due to my extremely short hair, I was getting a lot of attention from the ladies - short hair in West Country villages tends to elicit assumptions. Ever the gentleman, my friend pretended to be my boyfriend to alleviate this, but he was getting a little too into the role. I thought this was drunkenness, and didn't put too much store by it, but as we were stumbling home, wrapped around each other, he kept telling me he loved me. I assumed in the way I loved him, and kept saying "I love you too". But he wasn't. I pretended to misunderstand, safe in the knowledge that we'd get back, I'd pass out on the sofa and it would be back to normal in the morning. But we got back, and Peter Parker was asleep on the sofa. No pseudonyms here, he was actually called Peter Parker. Peter Parker, asleep, in a living room with a massive spider in a tank in the corner. So we bunked in. And he made a move, and I said no, you're drunk, you have a girlfriend, and you'll thank me in the morning. For a while he was quite insistent that I was wrong, but eventually he passed out. The next day was awkward, though we both professed it wasn't. And for me it wasn't. Not really. But after a fairly reserved, polite morning, I got on my bus. And we never spoke again. He married his girlfriend. I did the right thing. I lost my best friend. Once or twice I wondered if I should have behaved differently. But even though we were so much to each other, we weren't that. We never would have been that and for all I miss my friend, and will miss him until the end of days, we weren't that. Both of us very sexual people, but never a glimmer with each other. At least not for me. I loved the time I lived with my best friend, but it's a different sort of love, a different sort of intimacy, and if I'd acted differently that day I'd have been opening myself up to the possibility of settling for less than everything, to be happyish, but never quite happy enough. I will miss you forever.
Advance warning of a series of posts
I've been thinking a lot recently about intimacy, past relationships, stuff like that. I'm pretty happy, experience has taught me that to be single is infinitely preferable to me than being alone in company, nonetheless there will always be moments marked with poignancy, a tinge of regret despite having no desire for it to have been any other way. So please be warned, over the next few whatevers, posts may appear entitled Love Lost: #_. Entirely one sided, and no doubt entirely inaccurate, but not in anyway sad. For all that was, or was not, what is is so much more.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
AND RELAX
So my discussion was bordering on barely there, and my abstract is a little shoddy, and I based my argument largely on the premise of "Let's argue with Nathaniel Hawthorne", but the intro and the stats were fine, and my originality report came in with only 17% similarities to other sources on the web (all referencing).
So yeah. Fuck that shit, I'm going to sleep.
So yeah. Fuck that shit, I'm going to sleep.
Friday, 28 February 2014
Progress update
Child is asleep, 23:59 is the close, approx 1000 words to go, and roughly 3.5 hrs to do it in. I've been up since 6am Thursday, but my fellow sufferers of the curse of the wonky brain, you know we can't truly focus until failure is nearly upon us.
Truthfully I doubt I've been so calm since the 8000 word dissertation 3 day stint in the University of Exeter library in 2003... Including primary research. That was some fun times. Hell, got a decent 2:1. Makes it all okay, right?
Crack on. Knuckle down. See you when I'm dead. Or when I've handed in. You know. One or the other will happen for sure.
Truthfully I doubt I've been so calm since the 8000 word dissertation 3 day stint in the University of Exeter library in 2003... Including primary research. That was some fun times. Hell, got a decent 2:1. Makes it all okay, right?
Crack on. Knuckle down. See you when I'm dead. Or when I've handed in. You know. One or the other will happen for sure.
Thursday, 27 February 2014
If I could dream your bad dreams for you I would
There is a film called Harsh Times on in the back ground. It has Christian Bale, Eva Longoria and the guy that used to make all the sandwiches in Ugly Betty. I have no idea if it's any good, but I looked up, and that was the subtitle on the screen. Yeah, I'm a sop today. If I could dream your bad dreams for you, I would.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... Bobbins
You all know what a last minute slacker I am (all one of you, dear Driver), so it should be no surprise to note that I am up, once more, to the wall, there is no surplus time, every likelihood I shall fail... And this knowledge, this situation strangely reinstates the calm that has been missing from my head these past few weeks.
My ADHD issues are significantly better, but I am not free from them yet it seems... But maybe the thing is not to be free of it completely, but to work with it? My negatives can also be positives, it's just finding the situations in which they shine, rather than offend and confuse with their gaudy brash clunkiness.
My ADHD issues are significantly better, but I am not free from them yet it seems... But maybe the thing is not to be free of it completely, but to work with it? My negatives can also be positives, it's just finding the situations in which they shine, rather than offend and confuse with their gaudy brash clunkiness.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
An amble, a ramble and a little bit of one of my favourite stories comes to mind tonight
Tonight is a quiet one at Cat Lady Towers. Not that most nights are a whirl of excitement and giddy, The Towers are generally a quiet hidey hole of peaceful solitude. But today feels unduly quiet. Recently, a lot of nights have felt unduly quiet, lacking in peace. Surely indicative of something. When I feel so keenly the need for other people, it usually means I'm avoiding something, be that cleaning the bathroom, or acknowledging that I did something appalling, or doing my coursework, or, something.
Alas, I haven't got the time to introvert and delve right now, so fixing whatever it is will have to wait. Unlike my coursework, which really can't.
But I'd like company. No doubt only to avoid dealing with myself, but still. Company would be good.
Alas, I haven't got the time to introvert and delve right now, so fixing whatever it is will have to wait. Unlike my coursework, which really can't.
But I'd like company. No doubt only to avoid dealing with myself, but still. Company would be good.
"Then
I cursed the elements with the curse of tumult; and a frightful tempest
gathered in the heaven where, before, there had been no wind. And the
heaven became livid with the violence of the tempest --and the rain beat
upon the head of the man --and the floods of the river came down --and
the river was tormented into foam --and the water-lilies shrieked within
their beds --and the forest crumbled before the wind --and the thunder
rolled --and the lightning fell --and the rock rocked to its foundation.
And I lay close within my covert and observed the actions of the man.
And the man trembled in the solitude; --but the night waned and he sat
upon the rock.
"Then
I grew angry and cursed, with the curse of silence, the river, and the
lilies, and the wind, and the forest, and the heaven, and the thunder,
and the sighs of the water-lilies. And they became accursed, and were
still. And the moon ceased to totter up its pathway to heaven --and the
thunder died away --and the lightning did not flash --and the clouds
hung motionless --and the waters sunk to their level and remained --and
the trees ceased to rock --and the water-lilies sighed no more --and the
murmur was heard no longer from among them, nor any shadow of sound
throughout the vast illimitable desert. And I looked upon the characters
of the rock, and they were changed; --and the characters were SILENCE.
"And
mine eyes fell upon the countenance of the man, and his countenance was
wan with terror. And, hurriedly, he raised his head from his hand, and
stood forth upon the rock and listened. But there was no voice
throughout the vast illimitable desert, and the characters upon the rock
were SILENCE. And the man shuddered, and turned his face away, and fled
afar off, in haste, so that I beheld him no more."
Sunday, 9 February 2014
Christmas, Slug Monkeys, and why I'm in love with Dave Asprey
I was talking to a friend recently, and she said, "You write a blog, don't you?" And I thought, "Shit, I do, yes I do." There's been stuff going on, and time having passed, but I've neglected to tell you about it all my dear Diary. I'm sorry. My head's been a bit clearer of late, and well, I forgot you. Not completely, you understand, more in the way of a friend whose live is going well and needs a bit less support. I can only apologise, and suggest that right now we sit down with a coffee and have a bit of a natter and a catch up. Yes? Brilliant!
So, Christmas... That happened. It was quite civilised, all in. Cattenberg stayed in the spare room on Christmas Eve, so as to be there when the Kittencat awoke - Christmas is all about family, and Kittencat had hers right there. Opening things when you're three is more magical than the things themselves, so, after she had torn the paper off everything, she forlornly, comically, excitedly asked, "What else?" And we had to explain that that was everything, and tidied away the paper so she could examine her haul, but the excitement was so much that she flitted for several days before really playing with much at all. In the afternoon, the unconventional family that we three are all headed across to my folks house, where (drum roll please) over the course of about five hours I did not have a single fight, crossed word or even minor disagreement with my brother. Such a thing has never before occurred, probably, but it did this year, possibly due to changes we are making to our respective attention issues. But more on that later. One of my aunties bought Kittencat a Barbie. Now, 80s Barbie was problematic, but with broad shoulders, triangular torso, small hips, erect implant like bosoms, and reasonably muscular arms, she was an enigma, simultaneously masculine and feminine, in many ways the ultimate in blurred boundaries. Sure her waist was too small, her neck too long, her feet impossibly arched, an image of womanhood no one could ever live up to, but she was at least strong. She wasn't uniformly pink, and there were interesting outfit and career choices, and not all her clothes were designed for maximum flesh exposure.
In contrast, welcome to the Barbie of my daughter's generation. Needless to say I'll likely have more wrath to vent at some point over this, but the comparison is a little sickening. Arms are no longer just slim, they're gaunt. Shoulders and boobs are smaller, making the waist appear less out of proportion, but it's at least as small as it was before. She looks anorexic, her clothes are barely there, and her role in life is to wear pink and play with puppies. And this is me not venting.
Barbie aside, Christmas was largely a successful affair, and the Kittencat has been learning about teasing. My Dad and my nephews call each other slug monkeys, and turnip heads, and KC has started to join in. She plans interactions with glee; "Let's go to see Grandad, and I will call him a biscuit face, and he will call me a turnip head! Won't that be funny!" And we regularly have to call each other slug monkeys, and turnip heads, and pumpkin faces, and monkey bums... Yeah, we're so mature and ladylike.
Over New Year, my lovely Driver came to stay for three days. Kittencat was so excited, and for weeks since has been telling me how Auntie Giurietta does everything. I'm pretty sure that Kittencat would trade me in for Auntie Giuls without a flinch. Lovely times were had, and it was massively overdue to see one of my best mates. Mustn't leave it so long next time!
January has been a quiet month in some respects, and massively busy in others. I missed seeing Raajmahal at Dulcimer because of an incident involving Kittencat's fingernail and my cornea, the damage was pretty impressive, thankfully I heal quickly... Corky's birthday party was next, lovely to see so many people I've not seen for a while. And then there was Desmadrados Soldados de Ventura, also at Dulcimer on the 16th. Not the best set I've seen them play, but still awesome fun. There have been a few arrangements and cancellations throughout January that remind me I'm best making my plans around myself alone, other peoples lives inevitably lead them to break plans, fine in the ordinary way, but organising childcare etc. does not generally work so well with a flexible approach to being social. When my plans are not reliant on other people, just enhanced by them, life is better.
Finally, Dave Asprey. I'm not in love with him in the sexy sex way, or even in the mournful pining of imaginings of soul mates or the kind of twaddle that people talk about with reference to love. But the man is a crazy bastard. (I mean that in a good way.) And an excellent researcher. I found Dave a few weeks ago, in my quest to rid myself of some of the problems I have with attention disorders. I've followed up a lot of research on a lot of the science purported on the Bulletproof website, and the science is always sound. Dave Asprey is one hell of a researcher. And while it's early days, and while I've got a long journey ahead of the path to mental and physical well being, my immune system has never been so good in my entire life as it is right now, I've cured a long standing throat complaint purely by diet, I've lost 10lbs without trying, and plan for another 10lbs over the next 6 weeks, my mental health is significantly improved, my concentration is better, and I can do maths again. I'm going to start documenting the changes I'm making as a reference aid (primarily for myself) on another blog soon. But Dave Asprey, I freaking love you. Over the years I've researched a little into the various issues I suffer from, and it always seemed to come down to mycotoxins, but I've never found a permanent path away from this kind of ill health before.
So, Christmas... That happened. It was quite civilised, all in. Cattenberg stayed in the spare room on Christmas Eve, so as to be there when the Kittencat awoke - Christmas is all about family, and Kittencat had hers right there. Opening things when you're three is more magical than the things themselves, so, after she had torn the paper off everything, she forlornly, comically, excitedly asked, "What else?" And we had to explain that that was everything, and tidied away the paper so she could examine her haul, but the excitement was so much that she flitted for several days before really playing with much at all. In the afternoon, the unconventional family that we three are all headed across to my folks house, where (drum roll please) over the course of about five hours I did not have a single fight, crossed word or even minor disagreement with my brother. Such a thing has never before occurred, probably, but it did this year, possibly due to changes we are making to our respective attention issues. But more on that later. One of my aunties bought Kittencat a Barbie. Now, 80s Barbie was problematic, but with broad shoulders, triangular torso, small hips, erect implant like bosoms, and reasonably muscular arms, she was an enigma, simultaneously masculine and feminine, in many ways the ultimate in blurred boundaries. Sure her waist was too small, her neck too long, her feet impossibly arched, an image of womanhood no one could ever live up to, but she was at least strong. She wasn't uniformly pink, and there were interesting outfit and career choices, and not all her clothes were designed for maximum flesh exposure.
Barbie aside, Christmas was largely a successful affair, and the Kittencat has been learning about teasing. My Dad and my nephews call each other slug monkeys, and turnip heads, and KC has started to join in. She plans interactions with glee; "Let's go to see Grandad, and I will call him a biscuit face, and he will call me a turnip head! Won't that be funny!" And we regularly have to call each other slug monkeys, and turnip heads, and pumpkin faces, and monkey bums... Yeah, we're so mature and ladylike.
Over New Year, my lovely Driver came to stay for three days. Kittencat was so excited, and for weeks since has been telling me how Auntie Giurietta does everything. I'm pretty sure that Kittencat would trade me in for Auntie Giuls without a flinch. Lovely times were had, and it was massively overdue to see one of my best mates. Mustn't leave it so long next time!
January has been a quiet month in some respects, and massively busy in others. I missed seeing Raajmahal at Dulcimer because of an incident involving Kittencat's fingernail and my cornea, the damage was pretty impressive, thankfully I heal quickly... Corky's birthday party was next, lovely to see so many people I've not seen for a while. And then there was Desmadrados Soldados de Ventura, also at Dulcimer on the 16th. Not the best set I've seen them play, but still awesome fun. There have been a few arrangements and cancellations throughout January that remind me I'm best making my plans around myself alone, other peoples lives inevitably lead them to break plans, fine in the ordinary way, but organising childcare etc. does not generally work so well with a flexible approach to being social. When my plans are not reliant on other people, just enhanced by them, life is better.
Finally, Dave Asprey. I'm not in love with him in the sexy sex way, or even in the mournful pining of imaginings of soul mates or the kind of twaddle that people talk about with reference to love. But the man is a crazy bastard. (I mean that in a good way.) And an excellent researcher. I found Dave a few weeks ago, in my quest to rid myself of some of the problems I have with attention disorders. I've followed up a lot of research on a lot of the science purported on the Bulletproof website, and the science is always sound. Dave Asprey is one hell of a researcher. And while it's early days, and while I've got a long journey ahead of the path to mental and physical well being, my immune system has never been so good in my entire life as it is right now, I've cured a long standing throat complaint purely by diet, I've lost 10lbs without trying, and plan for another 10lbs over the next 6 weeks, my mental health is significantly improved, my concentration is better, and I can do maths again. I'm going to start documenting the changes I'm making as a reference aid (primarily for myself) on another blog soon. But Dave Asprey, I freaking love you. Over the years I've researched a little into the various issues I suffer from, and it always seemed to come down to mycotoxins, but I've never found a permanent path away from this kind of ill health before.
Saturday, 18 January 2014
The Woodcat's step by step foolproof guide to a relaxing bath
1) Get all the people out of your house
2) Make coffee
3) Clean bath after the last person who used the bath
4) Run bath
5) Get in bath
6) Realise you left something on the other side of the bathroom, stand, place one foot out of the bath, reach across and get forgotten article
7) Lift foot back into bath, slip, fall, bumping head, arm and leg on the way down, whilst gracefully kicking over your coffee, half into the bath, half across the rest of the bathroom
8) Pause for a moment
9) Get out of bath, clear up bathroom, empty bath, rewash bath, go downstairs, make more coffee, go back upstairs, rerun bath, get in bath
10) Contemplate pain in arm
11) Drink coffee
12) Contemplate the beached whale of stretch marks lying in the water before you
13) Realise water has gone cold
14) Get out, refreshed and rejuvenated!
2) Make coffee
3) Clean bath after the last person who used the bath
4) Run bath
5) Get in bath
6) Realise you left something on the other side of the bathroom, stand, place one foot out of the bath, reach across and get forgotten article
7) Lift foot back into bath, slip, fall, bumping head, arm and leg on the way down, whilst gracefully kicking over your coffee, half into the bath, half across the rest of the bathroom
8) Pause for a moment
9) Get out of bath, clear up bathroom, empty bath, rewash bath, go downstairs, make more coffee, go back upstairs, rerun bath, get in bath
10) Contemplate pain in arm
11) Drink coffee
12) Contemplate the beached whale of stretch marks lying in the water before you
13) Realise water has gone cold
14) Get out, refreshed and rejuvenated!
Friday, 27 December 2013
Slippers are preferable to bears.
Last night, Kittencat came into my bed at something o'clock in the morning. I ducked to the loo briefly, and gave her a bear to cuddle while I was gone. She was content and cuddling the bear, and when I came back, she said, "You can have your slipper back now". On learning it was a bear, and not in fact a slipper, Kittencat became distraught, and I got quite a stern telling off about the whole affair. Kittencat is quite strict about bears.
Thursday, 26 December 2013
"It's okay" "It's not! Don't say that!"
Kittencat has been having a lovely Christmas, albeit an exhausting one. Christmas is a time that's as hard on children as it is fun for them, it's so exciting, and there is so much going on. Somehow they are expected to keep their heads, and be little paragons of virtue, and not complain when they are dragged from shop to shop, mealtimes and bedtimes forgotten in the parental rush of buying everything, ready for the apocalypse that is Christmas day, the terrifying prospect that the shops are shut for one whole day.
It's not really how we roll here at Cat Lady Towers, minimal shopping has been done, little at a time, within the bounds of our usual routines of meal times and bedtimes and all of that. Nonetheless, some disruption occurs, family visits inevitably result in altered ways of being, differing mealtimes, late nights. Kittencat seems to be a little like her mother, in that additional excitement or stress takes its toll on her immune system and consequently over the last few days she's been tearful, running a temperature, clingy as hell and wanting to sleep well over 14 hours a night.
She's also extremely negative. I swear I got the paternity of my daughter wrong, and somehow inadvertently spawned a child with Marvin the Paranoid Android. Earlier today she sat, crying, on my knee. I told her "It's okay" to which she replied "It's not! Don't say that! It's not okay!"
At another point in the day, I told her she was beautiful, prompting her to burst into tears and respond "Don't say that! I'm not! No one is!" I can't stress enough that this is moderately disconcerting, but indicative of her current state of exhaustion and below satisfactory health - ordinarily my modest little Kittencat would respond to being told she was beautiful by saying "Yes. I am."
Christmas is stressful for three year olds.
It's not really how we roll here at Cat Lady Towers, minimal shopping has been done, little at a time, within the bounds of our usual routines of meal times and bedtimes and all of that. Nonetheless, some disruption occurs, family visits inevitably result in altered ways of being, differing mealtimes, late nights. Kittencat seems to be a little like her mother, in that additional excitement or stress takes its toll on her immune system and consequently over the last few days she's been tearful, running a temperature, clingy as hell and wanting to sleep well over 14 hours a night.
She's also extremely negative. I swear I got the paternity of my daughter wrong, and somehow inadvertently spawned a child with Marvin the Paranoid Android. Earlier today she sat, crying, on my knee. I told her "It's okay" to which she replied "It's not! Don't say that! It's not okay!"
At another point in the day, I told her she was beautiful, prompting her to burst into tears and respond "Don't say that! I'm not! No one is!" I can't stress enough that this is moderately disconcerting, but indicative of her current state of exhaustion and below satisfactory health - ordinarily my modest little Kittencat would respond to being told she was beautiful by saying "Yes. I am."
Christmas is stressful for three year olds.
Monday, 16 December 2013
Seasons beginning with C
Car insurance season falls shortly after Christmas! Oh no! There are exciting things to do in January, and they are most unlikely to occur. Oh no!
Probably, this is good. Probably. I have films to watch, sewing to sew, knitting to knit, course work in at the start of February... Yep. It all balances. The universe has it's plan, and it's all good.
Probably, this is good. Probably. I have films to watch, sewing to sew, knitting to knit, course work in at the start of February... Yep. It all balances. The universe has it's plan, and it's all good.
Friday, 13 December 2013
It's Friday night! Lets...
...put on a dressing gown, watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., knit, sleep.
Actually, this doesn't sound too far short of my plan for the entire weekend.
Actually, this doesn't sound too far short of my plan for the entire weekend.
I need so much coffee
So much coffee right now. There isn't actually enough coffee in the world to satiate this need.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
So now, following that massive overshare, dear diary...
I am going to sew tinsel onto my Kittencat's star costume. Tomorrow, Kittencat is going to be a STAR. At nursery they are doing some kind of nativity thing called Whoopsadaisy Angel, and she's so excited, she's been singing the songs for weeks, and telling us about her performance.
I love this child so much.
I love this child so much.
Sometimes a mental health incident can be a good thing
During October, and just about into November my ADD was going off the chart, and impacting my social behaviour. I attempted to apologise to anyone and everyone I felt may have been affected by it. So far as I'm aware, largely everyone was fine. One person however, was not. They started acting as though I wasn't there at all, and, when I attempted to find out what was going on, ignored all methods of communication. Now for someone prone to anxiety based depression, and getting over an ADD incident, this is cruel treatment, because it adds a lot of anxiety to their life. Not knowing if you've done something, or what it is, is a huge headfuck.
I eventually found out what I'd done. Apparently some people overheard part of a conversation I was having, judged me based on overheard part ramblings without context and found me wanting. Fair enough, I could have been more considerate of my surroundings, but anyone who has known me that long could really have checked with me whether what had been reported was what had been said, rather than judging me on third hand information representing out of character attitudes and behaviour. The second, again, I get. In perceiving an atmosphere, and being unaware of the former transgression but very aware of a transgression my friend made in October, I tried to talk about it, drunkenly, like a bull in a china shop. Not really cool. And I called out a couple of ridiculous incidents that I really ought to have just ignored. But, the ADD headmess does not allow you to regulate or always be aware of your behaviour in the way you'd like.
Not everyone can cope with me on an ADD spiral, and that, I completely understand. But when in attempting to apologise, you're told you're overthinking matters, you tend to think that everything is cool. After all, when things aren't, people tell you, right? And all that said, I picked up my issues quickly, I dealt with them, and went to the doctors and on failing to get any help other than a shrug and a "you could always go private", I implemented some strategies, managed my behaviour, and became a normal(ish) person again. (That aside, I do think that when someone ignores you entirely every time you see them for a month, without telling you why, and walks past you 4 times in quick succession at a gig blanking you completely, to the point where they will avoid speaking to friends if you're there, personally I feel this does entitle you to call their behaviour cuntish... Again, this is something that retrospectively I really ought to have just ignored.)
Incidentally, I feel I should mention that generally I manage the more socially awkward elements of this quite well, mostly. The last time I had a major ADD incident prior to this was in 2007-8, after a boy I worked with exposed himself, and I had a major anxiety reaction to this, heightened by the fact that, due to the structure and make up of the company, I was unable to make a formal complaint. When I made unofficial mention of it to the Director in charge of placements, he laughed, though in fairness he did also move the offending article of colleague to a different project and site. But the lack of being able to admit what happened meant that for a long time I was unable to really deal with it also. I failed to function well at work because I couldn't get the incident out of my head, outside of work I spent a horrific amount of time drunk to oblivion. Chances are people who knew me around then will remember a certain amount of the self destruct about my behaviour. Or at least a certain amount of idiocy.
But I told you I'd found out what I'd done. Aside from these incidents, there was a vitriolic assassination of my character, my mannerisms and and general demeanour. There was comment that going to speak to the people you know at gigs is not okay, that being giddy and having fun and asking people you know if they want to come dance is not okay, that being in the same venue and occasionally finding yourself near someone else amounts to following them around. Behaviour, conceded to be how I am with everyone, was nonetheless taken personally and found to be embarrassing and offensive. And this is why sometimes having a mental health incident is a good thing. I know lovely people. Kind, compassionate, warm and understanding people. People who don't judge out of hand, who will ask you your side. People open and honest enough that if they ever find you going awry, they let you know. I am lucky in my friends. Some people are not meant to be my friend. And that's okay. I don't like everyone, I don't expect everyone to like me. But it is good to know where you stand. My world is peaceful again, and all is well.
I eventually found out what I'd done. Apparently some people overheard part of a conversation I was having, judged me based on overheard part ramblings without context and found me wanting. Fair enough, I could have been more considerate of my surroundings, but anyone who has known me that long could really have checked with me whether what had been reported was what had been said, rather than judging me on third hand information representing out of character attitudes and behaviour. The second, again, I get. In perceiving an atmosphere, and being unaware of the former transgression but very aware of a transgression my friend made in October, I tried to talk about it, drunkenly, like a bull in a china shop. Not really cool. And I called out a couple of ridiculous incidents that I really ought to have just ignored. But, the ADD headmess does not allow you to regulate or always be aware of your behaviour in the way you'd like.
Not everyone can cope with me on an ADD spiral, and that, I completely understand. But when in attempting to apologise, you're told you're overthinking matters, you tend to think that everything is cool. After all, when things aren't, people tell you, right? And all that said, I picked up my issues quickly, I dealt with them, and went to the doctors and on failing to get any help other than a shrug and a "you could always go private", I implemented some strategies, managed my behaviour, and became a normal(ish) person again. (That aside, I do think that when someone ignores you entirely every time you see them for a month, without telling you why, and walks past you 4 times in quick succession at a gig blanking you completely, to the point where they will avoid speaking to friends if you're there, personally I feel this does entitle you to call their behaviour cuntish... Again, this is something that retrospectively I really ought to have just ignored.)
Incidentally, I feel I should mention that generally I manage the more socially awkward elements of this quite well, mostly. The last time I had a major ADD incident prior to this was in 2007-8, after a boy I worked with exposed himself, and I had a major anxiety reaction to this, heightened by the fact that, due to the structure and make up of the company, I was unable to make a formal complaint. When I made unofficial mention of it to the Director in charge of placements, he laughed, though in fairness he did also move the offending article of colleague to a different project and site. But the lack of being able to admit what happened meant that for a long time I was unable to really deal with it also. I failed to function well at work because I couldn't get the incident out of my head, outside of work I spent a horrific amount of time drunk to oblivion. Chances are people who knew me around then will remember a certain amount of the self destruct about my behaviour. Or at least a certain amount of idiocy.
But I told you I'd found out what I'd done. Aside from these incidents, there was a vitriolic assassination of my character, my mannerisms and and general demeanour. There was comment that going to speak to the people you know at gigs is not okay, that being giddy and having fun and asking people you know if they want to come dance is not okay, that being in the same venue and occasionally finding yourself near someone else amounts to following them around. Behaviour, conceded to be how I am with everyone, was nonetheless taken personally and found to be embarrassing and offensive. And this is why sometimes having a mental health incident is a good thing. I know lovely people. Kind, compassionate, warm and understanding people. People who don't judge out of hand, who will ask you your side. People open and honest enough that if they ever find you going awry, they let you know. I am lucky in my friends. Some people are not meant to be my friend. And that's okay. I don't like everyone, I don't expect everyone to like me. But it is good to know where you stand. My world is peaceful again, and all is well.
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