Pages

Wednesday 10 September 2014

Sometimes in my life people have accused me of poor self esteem

Because I never really pictured ending up in a couple with someone. Maybe there's an element of that, but really, it's more about timing. That, and the fact that I hardly ever really like anybody. It's rare to like and be liked, or be liked and like, in return. It's rare for me to like someone who likes me, and for us both to be emotionally available, and light in metaphysical baggage. And since I don't see the point in dalliances which bore me without the aid of beer goggles (particularly as with age comes a certain level of sobriety), there is a significant likelihood that my younger self will be proven correct. I am not one to make do with less. To settle. I'm not in the market for a house mate pretending to be a boyfriend, a companionable presence that masks the absence of love. The ex and I tried making do with "okay", it nearly broke us both. Less is not enough.

My younger self could never picture the boyfriend. She always pictured the child. And as I listen to her breathing as she sleeps, I'm certain my younger self had her priorities very much in order. It's not about self esteem, it's about knowing what's important to you. Yeah, being in love is great. But being in love with someone because of constant new discoveries, because they evolve and change, because they don't like your cooking, or they made a new friend, because they grow away from you and need you less... It's amazing, and rare in romantic love. Romantic love is rarely unselfish, rarely not fearful. Fear of being alone. Fear of rejection. For some, the fear of not being rejected. Fear is a powerful motivator. But it is not mine. I am not perfect, but my child knows I love her, and she is happy, and it is enough.

People place a lot of focus on finding "the one", often at the expense of actually finding them. I am lucky, because I don't need that. Sure it would be nice, but... I have much more.

No comments: