Why do I care what others think of me?

Kittencat has a penchant at the moment for a show on CBeebies called "What's the big idea?", or as we call it, Hugo. This morning we were watching Hugo, and at the end this question was posed: "What's more important, what I think of me or what others think of me?"

A friend of mine asked me a similar question recently also, and I thought the answer ought to be fairly obvious. Thinking about it this morning though, I see that this is a complicated question, with an answer that is more complicated than I think many of us wish to admit. This is my answer, as far as I am capable of articulating.

Obviously the former. I'm ace. It's really not up to other people to define, or judge, who am I, what I like, or what I do. So long as it pleases me, I don't care what other people think of my too short hair, or the fact that when in my mother's car I cheerfully and tunelessly sing along to her Rod Stewart CD. It matters not what other people think of the fact that I'm an E4 trash American TV addict, or that I will happily talk to interesting strangers like I've known them all my life. I like to draw and sew and write and knit and paint; I don't care what other people think of the results or lack of them. I am a terrible dancer, but I love dancing, and would refrain for nobody. I don't care if others like me as a person, mostly because I believe that some people are compatible as friends and others are not, and that since I don't like everybody I see no reason why everybody should like me. I have no problem with the fact that my favourite films are usually populated with car chases and explosions, and that I have possibly watched Army of Darkness more times than anybody else ever. I don't care if people find me physically attractive, or what they think of my clothes. I look like me, and I wear what I want to wear, or at least, I wear what I have. They are not always the same thing, and even more reason why people shouldn't judge you on such things. I don't care what other people may think of things I've done. People make judgements about situations and events they cannot comprehend. My life is my own and as long as I am okay with who I am and what I've done, that's really all that matters. It's taken me a long while to feel this way. When I was younger, I was a lot less strong, a lot less secure in myself, and the affirmation of others was more important to me. I minded more than I should of done, and regularly felt the sting of rejection that comes of being judged unfavourably on ridiculous, superficial criteria, rather than recognising the lack of importance of such small mindedness.

So yes, I don’t care if you think I’m uncool, or if you never like me. Simple. Yet I find I do care what people I care about think of me. I care about my friends, and in being able to share things with them. Or course, I don’t care about trying to please them by being something I’m not. But I care about what they think of me, because your friends are an important part of how you interact with your world, and how you perceive yourself. Being able to share the joy of things with other people is important. Your friends and your relationships with your friends are very important. In the case of the many talented folks I know, they would probably still create lovely things even if everybody hated what they did, though positive affirmation doubtless aids them much more than negativity ever would. And in instances where my actions affect or upset others, what other people think of me becomes hugely important, and influences how I think of myself. I avoid situations that feel even vaguely wrong, as if something feels wrong when you do it then it usually is wrong. That said, sometimes things that aren't wrong to me are wrong for other people. I don't like to cause other people unnecessary grief or upset, this fits under the category of things I believe are wrong and don't intentionally do. So when I do impact others negatively, of course their opinions become very important, especially in situations where your actions cause friends to perceive you in a different way, a negative way. The way your friends perceive you inevitably acts as a mirror, a mirror held up to show an uncompromising view of yourself, warts and all.  When someone who thought of you positively develops a negative opinion of you, it matters. In seeing what they see, or trying to fathom what they see, your opinion of yourself also deteriorates. While my opinion of myself is very much a personal thing, it works in direct relationship to how I interact with the world and the people I care about, as well as simply what I do myself. I care if I upset people I care about. Actually, I care if I upset anybody, but I care more when it affects people I care about.

So yes, what I think of myself matters more than what other people think about me but what other people think is also hugely important. How you treat others, and how people feel about you is a huge part of how you feel about yourself as a person. I am not insecure in myself, or who I am, but yes, what other people think of me does matter. I think what other people think matters to all of us, whether we admit it or not.